http://amzn.com/B005TLMA62

Print version coming soon!!!! Plus print version of Caught!!!! Whoo-hooo!!!!

Buy Me NOW!

Yes, now you can buy my latest thriller on Barnes and Noble!

Click HERE to buy it!!!

Yay!!!!

Happy reading!!!!

Thanks To Randy Cleveland For His Boffo Cover

My book Caught is available on Amazon on the Kindle. Whoo-hoo!

Click here to buy the ebook!

More information to come!

I’m so excited!!!!

Hugs to all,

Janet

The new American zeitgeist is all about being a child. We want services, but we don’t want to pay for them. We want others to take care of us, but we don’t want to care for anybody. Accountability is out. Most people don’t want to work. People want to be famous for doing nothing, look young forever, wear the latest fashions, drive the latest cars, go on fabulous vacations, have trophy houses and amazing jobs where they get paid to do nothing. The biggest dream of all? Winning the lottery and spending the rest of their lives on a beach. Basically, everyone’s greatest desire is to be a spoiled brat.

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up. My parents had cool cocktail parties and everything was about being fifty because that was the power age. Now it’s old age. No one wants to be fifty. No one wants to be an adult. The ideal age in our current culture is twenty-four. If you are any of the other seventy-nine ages of your life, you are flawed. Taking on responsibility is selling out. Being a child for life is the goal.

I reject this paradigm. I want to be more of a grown up. I want to rise to challenges, ride the waves of life and take care of myself. I want to pay my bills, live within my means, fix my house and do all the adult things required of me without complaint. I want to feel grateful for what I have, not upset with what I don’t. And I want to accept my changing features gracefully.

Yet as I look for role models in society to help me on my quest for true adulthood, I find none. All I see around me is a mass of spoiled children crying because life is happening to them. Oh, poor me, I had a birthday. Oh, poor me, I had to go to work today. Oh, poor me, I’m underwater on my mortgage. Oh, poor me, I have a crappy job because when I had the opportunity to go to college, I turned it down. Oh, poor me, I quit high school and now I can’t even get a job. Oh, poor me, I want a new plasma TV, but I had to get tires instead. Oh, poor me, I have to take care of my children.

Certainly, things are changing rapidly. Certainly, living on this planet is difficult work. Certainly for baby boomers—even if you followed all the rules and did everything you were told to do—you’ve still lost your retirement and your job. Granted, it sucks. But so what? Living on this planet has always been difficult. It was much harder for our forefathers and mothers. They didn’t have washing machines. Or unemployment. Or Social Security or Medicare. But what they did have was a work ethic and an acute sense of survival. They concentrated on planting seeds today for fruition tomorrow. They spent within their means. They learned to reinvent themselves no matter what was thrown at them.

My great-grandmother, Josephine Periat, left her abusive husband in Switzerland and came to America through Ellis Island when she was 26. With my six-year-old grandfather in tow, Grandma took a ship around Cape Horn to San Francisco, got a job as a cook for a rich couple, saved money, bought a bakery, started an auto body shop, started a car dealership, grew most of her own food, embroidered a million chairs, cooked Thanksgiving dinner until she was 80 and never complained. Most people I know bitch about every single thing they’ve ever had to do.

What Grandma knew was this: life is about uncertainty. Life is about challenges. Life is about hard work. There are no guarantees and the only thing you can count on is change. Your only job is to feed, clothe and house yourself until you die. And you don’t expect others to do it for you.

But somehow we’ve lost touch with these basic principles of survival. 75% of young people today are unfit for military duty because they either didn’t graduate from high school or they’re obese or have criminal records. Only 25% of Americans have a college degree. What the HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING? What do they think their futures will hold? Unless they attend a trade school, they are SCREWED. Yet kids are dropping out by the hundreds of thousands. They don’t want to go to school and they don’t want to work, but they want to be rich and famous and drive fancy cars. HUH? How did these kids get so delusional?

Our collective dream says it all: being famous for doing nothing and living on a beach being waited on hand and foot. This dream is the perfect model of infancy. You sit in your high chair and Mommy coos over you and takes complete care of you. Babies for life. Ick.

What I want to know is how did we get this out of touch? Over the last forty years, adulthood has become equated with loss of freedom and therefore, loss of joy. When the exact opposite is true. Children are not free. They are dependent. The only people with power over themselves and their environments are self-sufficient adults. The only way for an adult to be happy is to be an adult.

Yet our youth-obsessed culture ignores this simple fact. “Adultolescence” now extends to most people under thirty. A third of all 30-year-old single men are still living with their parents. One third. My folks and ancestors owned homes and businesses and had most of their kids by that age. Not only did they care for themselves, they cared for others.

If our current trend continues, the future of America looks like this: a giant playpen full of crying babies with nuclear capabilities and no adult supervision.

©2011, Janet Periat

As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with the winter holidays. Leaning more toward hate. As I have finally figured out, they aren’t going away. In fact, they start in July now. Counting January sales, we only have five Christmas-free months of the year. Basically, for self-preservation, I had to confront my loathing of the holidays. I went into deep therapy and now have come out the other side abhorring them a little less. For holiday-haters like me, I thought I’d pass along some tips that came out of my primal holiday scream therapy and helped restore a bit of happiness to the season.

Tip One: Learn the power of the word “NO!” It is magical. If you hate the holidays like I did, it’s because you don’t feel you have the power to say no to a mountain of extra work. Well, you do. If you really don’t want to do something, don’t. Or find a way to do it that makes you feel the least like a victim. More importantly, figure out what you want to do and do that. Pick things you like to do. Delegate everything else.  Of course, you’d do the task better, but realize your control freak side is the whole reason you got into this mess in the first place. That and the fact that most women grew up thinking that we had to serve others to be loved. To receive attention and be “a good girl” we cooked and cleaned and helped Mom.

Warning: when you first say no, you will be blanket-bombed with guilt. Unless you take some Prozac first. The guilt attack will not be from your family, although it’s quite possible you’ll upset people because no one likes change. Least of all families with their holiday traditions. But mostly the guilt will come from you. Ignore this horrid wave of pain. Here’s the truth: they will all love you, anyway. Even if you didn’t make those fantastic cookies. Even if you don’t clean anything or cook, they will still love you. Think about the times you couldn’t come through because you were sick. Let go of that written-in-stone obligation crap. Unless you stop it, the trend never ends.

As you will find out, most of this guilt stuff is in your head. Your family isn’t really paying attention to what you do. Mostly they don’t care if you help or not. Besides, there’s always another martyr willing to carry the cross. Or sometimes a miracle happens and everyone does equal shares of the work. Once you set your boundaries, you’ll be amazed how well everything can turn around. I discovered I actually like entertaining. I just found a way to do it on my own terms. First, I start with mimosas then switch to eggnog with brandy…

Tip Two: Submit to the torment. There is no escape. Really. Fighting it only makes it worse. Mainly the holidays are the only times the family gets together. Don’t miss these horrid moments of torture. Experiencing mass trauma bonds people like no other glue. Besides, holidays are where future family jokes are created. You don’t want to miss events like when Uncle Al put on the Santa costume, tripped, fell into the fireplace and caught on fire, do you? Or when Aunt Gilda lost her teeth biting into Mom’s fruitcake?

Tip Three: Don’t overspend. You will feel less like an idiot in January if your credit card bill is not equal to the cost of a cruise to Tahiti. Because all you’ll think is, “Damn it, I could have gone to Tahiti for this.” Ask yourself why you are spending so much. Can you really afford it? Family members will love you whether you get them a nice gift or not. Unless they are under thirteen. With the slow economy, everyone understands cutting back. Make a budget and stick to it. You can’t buy love and the holidays will return in five months. Save some money for the early sales.

Tip Four: If you still have family and are speaking to them, count yourself lucky and take that as your best holiday gift. There are those this holiday season who don’t have a family to complain about. There are those who have lost loved ones this year that they actually liked. If you’re having a relatively peaceful holiday and no one ends up bloody or in jail, realize how blessed you are. They may be demented and annoying, but they’re your family. Love them.

For the record, as much as I have complained about the holidays, I’m extremely lucky. My family is both attractive and entertaining. Everyone is funny. Mostly all you hear is loud laughter. Especially after the third round of drinks. I am blessed to have both of my parents still here. And for those who followed my columns about my sister and her stroke two and a half years ago, I am thankful for every moment I have with her. And she will be spending Christmas weekend with me. While I bitch and moan and complain, these are some of my favorite pastimes. In no way should it reflect on my relatives. Well, most of them.

Because as Christmas looms near, I look forward to having my noisy, funny, boisterous, delightful family filling my house to its rafters, spilling wine on my rugs, loving each other, hugging each other, posing for funny photos—with kids and dogs running all over the place. My family members are loud. They are amazing. And I love them more than anything in the world.

So my final words are to my awesome family: Thanks for being in my life and thanks for loving me so thoroughly. You are always in my heart, your smiling faces in my mind, your laughter still rings in my ears, even though we may be miles apart. Love to all.

Oh, and don’t forget the beer.

©2010, Janet Periat

Move over Miss Manners. It has come to my attention that in all the hubbub of the Internet, iPods and iPads, Androids and Blackberries, Tea Parties and Blue Dogs— plus for most people, lack of growing up in a small community—people have forgotten their damned manners. Like swearing in public, goddamn it! Oh. Sorry. Anyway, here are some helpful tips on dealing with modern society.

Tip Number One: Screaming is not an effective method of communication. Unless you’re talking to a half-deaf person. Or you’re at a rock concert. Seriously, who decided screaming was a way to get your point across? Other than my family? It never works. Especially in my family. The din gets progressively louder until no one can hear a word anyone says. Oh. I just had an epiphany. Okay, in the case of Periats, it’s probably a hard-wired self-defense mechanism. However, in public, screaming is completely unnecessary unless a building is on fire. All screaming does is make the screamer look like an idiot and make all their points suspect. The more calm you are, the more you focus on the logic of your points rather than the raw emotion behind them, the greater the likelihood you will be heard. But today Town Hall Meetings have become Town Hall Shout Fests and nothing will be accomplished unless WE ALL CALM DOWN!!! Oh. Sorry.

Tip Number Two: Calling people names is not an effective method of persuasion. When debating subjects like immigration, taxation and health care, one should avoid bellowing things like: “Commie pinko fags, burn in hell!*” Instead try: “Commie pinko fags, burn in heck!” Remember, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Tip Number Three: Say “thank you” when someone opens a door for you. There’s a Princess Manufacturing Plant somewhere nearby that spits out little girls (between eighteen and twenty-six years of age) who think they are entitled to EVERYTHING. I can’t tell you how many young women I’ve opened doors for who proudly shove their nose high in the air and walk by me without deigning to acknowledge my kindness. I always want to run after them and go “Can we do that again? So this time I can slam that door on your stupid Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses?” I don’t understand the Pouty Posing Precious Princess Phenomenon. Why would you raise your daughter to treat the public like they’re her subjects? This is bound to end in disaster for the girl. Because while I get a bit testy when a Princess strides by me like they’re on a red carpet instead of walking into Barnes and Nobel, I worry more about them. With their expectations, they are doomed to a life of disappointment. Bitter little girls turn into bitter old women. A writer friend of mine, Ann Fischer, put it perfectly: spoiled Princesses grow up to be Evil Queens.

Tip Number Four: Say hi when you catch someone’s eyes. Unless he’s wearing a trenchcoat and is carrying a forty-ounce beer in a paper sack. Or is your ex-husband. Or you’re an eye surgeon and the nurse just tossed you an organ transplant (apologies, couldn’t resist). Saying hi is not a lifetime commitment. It’s merely acknowledging that a fellow human has crossed your path. I say hi to nearly everyone I pass on my walks. This has made me umpteen friends and got me lots of free zucchini (Thanks to Frank on Shafter). But don’t be hurt if people don’t say hi back. Count yourself lucky. These are the people you want culled from your herd. It’s nice that they identify themselves so early in the game. Potential Downside: you may make the mistake of saying hi to a crazy person. Like I did to the Crazy Hat Lady who wanders my neighborhood. But she’s another column. And she’s mostly harmless. Unless she’s carrying her umbrella…

Tip Number Five: People in person take precedent over people on the phone. I had a friend over for dinner a while back. I’d just laid out some appetizers and the person’s phone rang. “Oh, I have to get this.” Stood up, answered the cell. “Hey, how are you? Oh, not much.” Then they wandered outside and talked for a half an hour. I stood there with my mouth hanging open. Not much? Aside from being upset that I’d wasted time cooking dinner for the boor, I was worried I’d suddenly become boring. My self-image is this: I’m a one-woman entertainment factory that cooks. I’m funny. I’m vivacious. I’m charming. I’m delusional about how funny, vivacious and charming I am. What’s not to like? I finally realized that the problem was not me (there goes that delusional stuff again), the issue was my idiot of a friend who has no sense of priorities.

While my ignorant friend was an extreme case, I can’t tell you how many of my family members spend time at a family event talking on their cells and text messaging their friends instead of talking to one another. Why would they come all that way and not want to talk to…Oh. Wait.  I’m having another epiphany. Bad example. Let’s go back to my “friend.” The questions that come to mind are: Why did you bother coming? Why aren’t you hanging out with the people you’re talking to instead of me? And when you are hanging out with your phone buddy, do you call other people?

In the future there will be no face-to-face contact between humans. We’ll all be staring at our iPads, talking via videophone to the person sitting next to us.

©2010, Janet Periat

*Actual quote shouted at my friend during a health care demonstration.

Note To Laws I’d Like To See Contest Entrants: your addresses were eaten by a terrible monster that briefly rampaged through the offices of CoastViews. Please resend your addresses so the winners may receive their rewards. Winners will be announced here on www.janetperiat.com on August 31, 2010.