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Archive for the ‘political humor’ Category

The First Presidential Debate: The Subtext Version

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

JIM LEHRER: Senator Obama, can you outline your approach to solving the current financial disaster?

OBAMA: This country’s been gutted like a trout by rich corporate robbers and the morons in the White House. John McCain is so stupid, he thinks that running this country exactly the way George Bush is will solve all our problems.

McCAIN: (red-faced and shaking) See? He’s an elitist! He thinks he’s better than you! Are you honestly going to vote for a black man? Especially one who thinks he’s more important and smarter than you!? Not only is he black, he’s a Muslim-loving, gun-hating, baby-killing machine! Why do you think there’s such a close resemblance to his name and Osama Bin Laden’s? They are the same person! Have you ever noticed how dark Osama Bin Laden is, or should I call him, Obama Bin Laden?

OBAMA: (glowering at McCAIN) John, you f**kin’ crazy old man, shut the f**k up. You belong in a nursing home, not the Oval Office. I mean, look at you, I’m worried you won’t live long enough to complete this debate.

McCAIN: (purple-faced) I’m experienced, not old! I’ve been there! I’ve done it all!

OBAMA: I am so sick of your crap. You’ve changed your mind so much and been so many different people in the past months, we’re gonna have to start calling you Senator Sybil. I think if someone said they’d trade you the presidency for your wife, you’d take the deal.

McCAIN calms, narrows eyes, rubs chin. Appears to be thinking. Coming alive, he glares at OBAMA.

McCAIN: Oh, Christ, you take the graft too, don’t give me that crap. I’m not the only whore in the Capitol. You’d bend over for ten grand just like I would.

OBAMA: Sure, I suck the same corporate genitalia as you do, but goddamn it, at least I know when to make concessions between what the corporations want and what I give them. It’s like you rich old white men know your days are numbered so you’re looting the place and leaving nothing for us. You took all the money from the middle class—the only idiots without the lawyer power to fight our Byzantine tax structure. Instead of bleeding them slowly, you freakin’ popped their aortas and let all the blood out. AND you ruined it for the rest of us by stealing so obviously your theft could be seen from space. Oh, and by the way, tell your oil buddies, the next time they stage an invasion of another country, make sure they know the history of the place BEFORE they invade. You guys weren’t just greedy, you were more ignorant than a graduate from one of our underfunded public schools.

McCAIN: (eyes unfocussed, gesturing wildly) Look here, you, I paid my dues. You owe me this presidency. I suffered seven f**king years of torture for this country. And you idiots abandoned me and made the mission I suffered for irrelevant. I want payback! You owe me winning in Iraq and you owe me this presidency! It’s mine, you hear me, MINE!!!

OBAMA: (shaking head) John you need therapy, not the presidency.

McCAIN’s head spins around on his shoulders, foam appears on the corners of his mouth.

McCAIN: You’re a pussy! You’re going to get us all killed! Al Qaida is going to kill us all! We need to bomb Iran! You don’t understand! The Russians are going to kill us! The North Koreans are going to kill us! We need to get them before they get us! We need to bomb the hell out of Iraq, then Iran, then Russia, then North Korea! Bomb them, I tell you, bomb them or we’ll never be safe!

OBAMA: (frowning) Now you’re channeling the spirit of Dick Cheney. We don’t need a therapist, we need an exorcist.

LEHRER: Shut the f**k up the both of you. Goddamn, did you even hear my question, Senator Obama? And Senator McCain, put in your damned hearing aids. Hell, you two are so stuck in your rhetoric, you don’t even listen anymore. Let me make myself a bit clearer. How the hell are you going to solve this goddamned financial crisis?

OBAMA: Damn, are all old white men this bitchy? Is this a side effect of Viagra? Look, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to solve this problem, no one does, okay? We’re all bought by the same jerks that just took all the money and created all these scams! We can’t afford to piss them off or we’ll never get the money to pay for the advertising that wins us elections! I mean, this system is hosed. It would take years to untie this financial knot. All we can do is throw some more money at the problem and hope it goes away. What? What do you want to me to say? I’ll sprinkle some fairy dust over the problem and sixty years of greed and corruption will automatically disappear? No. They won’t. We‘re screwed right now and I think everyone knows it.

McCAIN: I can solve the problem! We bomb Iraq! We win in Iraq! Then we bomb Russia! Yeah, Russia! I long for the good old days of the Cold War. Nothing is more fun than hating those f**king commies! We should have kept bombing Viet Nam until nothing was left! They tortured me for seven years! I was in—

OBAMA and McCAIN: —prison for seven years!

LEHRER: That’s enough out of the both of you. Please don’t excite him this much, Senator Obama, his heart can’t take it. While an onstage heart attack would be great for the ratings, we’d have to go off script and that gets messy. Okay, Senator McCain, other than bombing the world, how do you intend to fix the current financial situation?

McCAIN: We bomb Iraq! We win in Iraq! That will boost morale! When I was with General Petraeus, over there in Iraq, I saw how—

LEHRER: I didn’t ask about Iraq, you idiot, I want to know how you’re going to fix the economy.

McCAIN: (calms immediately, seems stunned) The economy is sound. Well, not really. God, I don’t know how to fix the goddamned thing any more than my BLACK opponent does. But I don’t care about that. (waves arms wildly with a crazy look in his eye) I want to win in Iraq! We have to! You owe me! This country owes me!

LEHRER: I’d let you rebut, Senator Obama, but it’s clear you don’t know how to fix the economy, either. Well, folks, God help us all on the economy because neither of these guys has a clue how to fix it. As for me, I wish something could be done about the corruption of our system before we become a Third World country. But by the tone and content of tonight’s debate, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Good night and good luck.

©2008, Janet Periat

A Corporate Fairy Tale

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

 WARNING: Political Humor Contained Within.

Note From Janet: While I used King George in this story, it just as well might be Queen Hillary or King John, (hopefully not but probably King Obama as well.)

Once upon a time, there was a magical fairyland called The United States of America. All of its people were happy, all of the leaders of the land were just, true and good. The king, a humble man named King George lived in a big white castle called the White House and ruled his land with kindness and compassion. His ministers who ran the kingdom were benevolent and caring. There was the Minister of Energy, Lord Exxon; the Minister of Food, Lord ConAgra; the Minister of Transportation, Lord Detroit Big Three; the Minister of Information, Lord Time Warner; the Ministers of Defense: Lord Halliburton and Lord Lockheed; the Minister of Health, Lord Pfizer; and the Ministers of Happiness, Lord Tobacco and Lord Alcohol. All the Lords cared deeply about their subjects. And everything was wonderful in the Kingdom.

One day, a small girl wandered into the White House on a tour and got lost. She walked the vast hallways of the Castle until she happened upon a large room where many white men sat around a huge table smiling and smoking cigars.

King George, who had been staring out the window, was the first to notice the little girl.

“Hey there, little girl, what are you doing here?” the king asked.

“I’m lost,” the little girl replied.

“Well, so am I most of the time. Hey guys, here’s a lost little girl, let’s take a break and talk to her. Might make for some good press, ay Lord Time Warner?”

Lord Time Warner nodded. “Little girls always make good press. What’s your name little girl?”

The little girl smiled widely. “My name is Truth.”

Lord Time Warner frowned. “Truth isn’t exactly a pretty name for such a pretty little girl. I, myself, hate the truth.”

All the Lords nodded their agreement.

King George was appalled. “Hey, she’s just a little girl with a terrible name. Probably had some hippie/commie/loser parents. Let’s cheer her up until our security detail gets here. I’ll bet she’s scared.”

“I am,” Truth said.

King George patted her on the head. “Your parents will find you, don’t worry, Truth.”

“I’m not worried about that,” she replied.

“Oh, no? Then what?” the king asked. “What could possibly worry someone as pretty and non-threatening-looking as you?”

“I’m worried about the polar bears. Their ice is melting and now they’re gonna dig for oil and ruin their home. They’re all gonna die.”

Lord Time Warner gasped, the king paled. All the Lords focused on the little girl.

Lord Exxon cleared his throat and said, “Now, now, who told you that lie? Why everyone knows that Polar bears hate the cold. They are thrilled that all that nasty ice is going away. And they love oil. They love to play in it, they love the oil rigs; why they even drink pure oil right from the ground—that’s why their eyes are so black and their coats are so shiny.”

The little girl nodded, relieved. “Oh, good. I was worried about that.”

All the Lords relaxed.

Truth frowned again. “But… the ice is going away then? So it’s true? Global Warming is happening?”

Lord Detroit Big Three’s face turned beet red, he began fanning himself. “No, no, it’s not happening. Nothing proven yet. And even if it is happening, India and China are causing it all. Not us. We’re good and just and true.”

All the Lords nodded their agreement.

Lord Time Warner said, “Global warming is a natural process of the earth. Now we may be getting a bit warmer, but you don’t like being cold, do you?”

“No,” Truth said.

“See?” Lord Exxon said. “Global warming is a good thing. Besides, this gives us the opportunity to exploit—I mean, develop other means of creating electricity. Like nuclear energy. It’s safe and wonderful with no waste.”

Truth shook her head. “I thought nuclear waste was toxic and they had no place to bury it anymore. That it had a half life of 50,000 years and they can’t get containers that last that long.”

King George’s jaw dropped. “Really?”

“No, no,” Lord Exxon assured the two. “Nuclear energy is wonderful. You like glow-in-the-dark toys, don’t you?”

Truth nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

Lord Exxon smiled. “Well, nuclear power plants make everything glow beautifully.”

“Oh, good,” Truth said.

King George smiled at the little girl. “You feel better?”

Truth said, “Oh, yes. I was told you rich white men didn’t care about the people.”

King George said, “Why, everything we do is for the people. Look what we’ve done for the people who’ve experienced disasters lately. We were right there for those unfortunate rich white people in San Diego who got burned out of their homes.”

“But what about the Katrina victims?” Truth asked. “I have an internet chat friend in New Orleans who still doesn’t have her house back. She says it’s because she’s poor and black.”

Lord Time Warner laughed and said, “Oh, honey, we’re color blind here, don’t you know that?”

King George nodded. “Yes, we are. We represent all the people.”

Truth examined all the faces sitting around the table. “But you’re all white men in this room. How come there aren’t two Latinos, half of you aren’t women and there isn’t a black person and an Asian in this room?”

Lord Halliburton pulled out his cell phone. “We’ve got a situation, here. Get security here, pronto.”

Lord ConAgra said, “Would you like a Happy Meal? They’re nutritious and good for you.”

Lord Alcohol said, “Get that little girl a drink.”

Lord Pfizer said, “Darling, I know just what you need. Some Zoloft. Let me get you a prescription.”

“But I don’t have any health insurance. I can’t afford Zoloft,” Truth replied. “But I can afford a Happy Meal and booze. But on TV they said that if I eat Happy Meals and drink I’ll get fat and will have to go on Weight Watchers because I won’t be able to fit into my Old Navy clothes.”

Six large men came bursting into the room.

King George pointed dramatically at Truth. “Off with her head!”

Later that day, Lord Time Warner issued these headlines: Assassination Attempt on King Thwarted: Truth Killed. Stocks Are Up. US Winning War In Iraq. Global Warming a Hoax. Oil-Drinking Polar Bears Caught On Film.

And everything was good in the magical fairyland and all of the people were safe, warm and happy. The End.

©2008, Janet Periat

P.S. I don’t do political humor very often, but stuff has been bugging me lately. Schools, our health care system, social services and roads are failing; our environment getting more and more polluted, our climate is getting unstable and no one in Washington seems to care. All they care about is pandering to their friends. I pray for a change. I really like this country and all the lovely people in it. We deserve better.

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