Yes, it’s that time again, folks, to buy gifts for our loved ones. Due to job loss and the current economy, this year could prove even more challenging to those on a strained budget. Instead of exchanging guilt, frustration and worry this season, try something different and take one of my suggestions below.

Number One: Wrap cheap gifts in bags and boxes from expensive stores. Go to the dollar store, pick up some cheap crap and stuff it in a Nordstrom’s box. No one will know the difference and you’ll score huge points. Hopefully your relatives will reciprocate with gifts that are actually expensive.

Number Two: Create personalized gifts. This adds a wonderful personal touch and enables you to give more unique and memorable gifts. Do a sculpture in marshmallows of your father’s stomach. Handwrite a poem on nice parchment about the time your brother accidentally set the house on fire. Do a photo collage of your family’s most embarrassing moments. Make sure to include pictures of your Dad passed out behind the tree after the Cinco De Mayo tequila-chugging contest and your sister’s unfortunate hairstyle that made her look like a dead poodle.

Number Three: Make gifts out of recyclables. Think decoupaging an old wine bottle to make a beautiful vase. Hint: Consume all the wine before you decorate the bottle. Amazing what creativity sprouts under the influence of alcohol.

Number Four: Bake gifts for loved ones. People love cookies, candies and cakes. But don’t go for the usual, try the unusual. How about recreating The Last Supper with gingerbread men? How about a cake in the shape of deceased pet? Chocolate in the shape of a relative’s most prominent body part? Fruitcakes are especially recommended. Not only are they a tasty dessert, they make great wheel chocks, paperweights, provide amazing self-defense against burglars and work well as an impromptu jack stand to change tires on cars.

Number Five: Give gift certificates for personal services you will perform. Think about your talents. How can you turn this into a gift of service? Are you a racecar driver? Give a gift certificate for a thrilling ride to the airport. Are you a police officer? How about a coupon for covering up a relative’s petty crime? How about a mover? Give a certificate redeemable for moving your sister’s cheating husband out of her house. Exceptions: masseuses, personal escorts and performance artists. Even open-minded families don’t want to go there.

Number Six: Regift. While many will advise against this, a gift becomes a belonging once it is received. Fruitcakes make perfect regifts as they have half-lives and will more than likely outlive their recipients. If you’re all out of fruitcakes, I’ll bet Dad would appreciate that hand-crocheted toilet paper cover in the shape of a pink, frilly doll that Aunt Gilda made for you. What about that Obama Chia Pet you got from the office for Mom? What about the Ab Roller your husband gave you as an anniversary gift? As long as the item is more or less unused, anything is fair game.

Number Seven: Give the gift of a family heirloom. What a perfect opportunity to get rid of a family albatross under the guise of being generous. What about your dead aunt’s collection of raccoon memorabilia? How about Grandpa’s gold teeth, Cousin Lydia’s antique fruitcake or better yet, the urn full of Uncle Al’s ashes? What a marvelous surprise for Jimmy to open up a box on Christmas morning and find his favorite uncle’s remains.

Number Eight: Give a group gift that everyone will enjoy. Hire a Chippendale’s dancer for the family Easter party. A Mafioso to beat up your sister’s deadbeat husband. A group date to In and Out Burger. Or take your family to a time-share presentation for vacation homes in Antarctica. Not only is it free entertainment, you’ll get a box lunch to boot.

Number Nine: Give marketing stuff from work. Pens, pencils, mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts. If you don’t have enough marketing crap, think outside the box. Reams of paper, old computers, Post-It notes, manila envelopes. Maybe even your cubicle itself. Mom might want to divide the master bedroom and create some personal space away from Dad.

Number Ten: Change the gift tags on the presents under the tree. This is super simple. All you have to do is exchange tags and make the presents appear as if they came from you. This is the cheapest option of all.

Number Eleven: Steal stuff. Okay, so maybe this is bad karma, but who will know? Think a Rolex for Dad, a Ferrari for Mom, a few million for Sis. Hey, if you’re gonna be stealing something, why not aim high?

Number Twelve: Dumpster dive. It’s amazing what kind of stuff people throw away. So what if that sweater doesn’t have a sleeve? Put it in a Macy’s box and tell your sister it’s a new trend. And that case of chili may be a few months out of date, but it’s still good.

Number Thirteen: Buy my books. Especially How To Make Your Life Suck. Especially if you never want to hear from your relatives again.

Feel better about the upcoming holidays? Bursting with creative ideas on how to save money? Inspired to face the challenges of too much family time? Great. Glad I could help. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go create a sculpture of Rush Limbaugh out of old tires. What joy awaits my family on Christmas morning!

©2009, Janet Periat

Tags: Christmas, holiday budget, holidays

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm and is filed under Humor Column. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.