Ten Things Everyone Should Know By Now
It has occurred to me lately that there is a growing problem in our society. Lack of common sense. Advertisers help the deluded by providing answers of their own. Which are always motivated more by greed than by hard science. Yet college educated friends of mine continually shock me by purporting claims that their weight gain is caused by a lack of some chemical, not because they ate an entire cheesecake for dinner. Or that their car broke down not because of lack of maintenance, but because the moon was in Leo. It is to these deluded masses that I dedicate the following column.
Number One: It’s Almost Always Your Fault
“I got a blow out on the Bay Bridge! Out of nowhere, my tire exploded! So what if there was no tread left on the tire, it still shouldn’t blow like that. Why do things like this always happen to me?” Uh-huh. Gee, I can’t imagine.
Number Two: Diets Don’t Work
Eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise are the only ways to lose weight. This is the most simple concept to grasp, yet millions of people spend millions of dollars per year on magic pills, magic vibrating belts and wacky diets avoiding this basic, simple truth. Which is, if your calorie intake is higher than calories burned, you gain weight! Which pisses me off. I was sure my Beer ‘N Pringles Diet was gonna work.
Number Three: Buying Something Will Not Give You Self Esteem
Or Get You More Sex
Unless you are buying a date with a prostitute.
Number Four: Get-Rich-Quick Schemes Only Work
For The Person Who Invents The Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
Have you heard about my new Beer ‘N Pringles Diet? If you send me $149.95, I can show you how you can sell this simple principle to all your fat friends and make as much money as that Atkins guy. Guaranteed!
Number Five: Doing It Yourself Does Not Save Money or Time
Unless you are a licensed carpenter. Which most people are not. Which is why Home Depot was invented. As a trap for the deluded. Most everyone who passes through Home Depot’s door is in denial. These poor slobs actually believe they will simply walk in, pick up the replacement window for their home, go home, read a few pages out of a home improvement manual, put in the window and be watching the game by four. This is not what happens.
First, there is no one working at Home Depot with a brain cell. If they do have a brain cell, they don’t speak English. So, the homeowner wanders the vast aisles of the store, back and forth, for hours. After fifty trips up and down the same aisle, they have the screws they need, but not the window. Finally, after the hundredth trip down the same aisle, they get their window, the screws, the wood and wait in line for a half an hour behind seven other deluded homeowners. They go home and stare at the old window they want to replace. They realize that they bought the wrong size window. They head back to Home Depot. Finally, at three in the afternoon, they are home with the right window, but realize that they don’t have enough wood. They head back to Home Depot.
Once they have all the materials in place, they realize the game has started. So they attempt to take out the old window while watching the game. After much frustration and swearing, they manage to remove the window and a significant part of the wall in the process. This is when they discover the termite damage. So for a week, while they wait for the exterminator, they have a huge hole in their bedroom wall and their wife threatens divorce. Two months later, the exterminator, contractor and painter have been to the house and the owner finally has a new window in his bedroom. And yes, he did it himself. He made all the phone calls and wrote out the checks—all by himself.
Number Six: There Are No Conspiracies
The appearance of conspiracy is caused by a lack of competence. Period. All dark helicopters look black against a blue sky. There is no Cabal. The government has no idea what the hell it’s doing. Conspiracy requires someone to be in control. The only thing more frightening than a conspiracy is the reality that no one knows what’s going on.
Number Seven: The Holidays Only Bring Joy To Retailers and Hallmark
Actually, Hallmark is responsible for inventing the Christmas card giving tradition. They invented Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Secretary’s Day. They are responsible for the guilt. They are run by the Cabal. Okay, none of the above is true, but you believed it for a minute, didn’t you?
Number Eight: People Only Hear What They Want
“I’m on the Atkins diet. So basically, I eat bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” Which means they ignored the part that says along with their bacon, they also needed to eat a buncha vegetables and a small portion of complex carbohydrates. No, they went right for the bacon. Which is why my Beer ‘N Pringles Diet is going to be a hot seller. Come on, folks, get in on the ground floor. We’re going to make millions!
Number Nine: People Believe What They Are Told Even If It Makes No Sense
Eating all your meals at Subway will make you lose weight. Putting all your debt on credit cards will get you out of debt. Getting surgery will make you feel young. Bombing the hell out of another country makes us safer. Giving Janet all your money will make you richer. (And in return, you’ll get your own Beer ‘N Pringles Diet Plan franchise!)
Number Ten: No One Listens To Anyone About Anything
Our inner mind patter is so loud, it’s amazing we can comprehend the existence of others. Mostly as others talk, we chatter inside our own heads. “Oh, yes, that reminds me of a story…” And pretty soon you’re lost in your own thoughts and the person says, “What do you think?” And you stand there, thinking, “Oh crap. I don’t want this person to think that I wasn’t listening to them. I don’t want to be rude.” So you lie. “Great concept,” you venture. “Cremating my mother is a great concept?” Oops.
I understand why people want easy answers. It’s easy to see why anyone would want to eat bacon to lose weight. It tastes better than celery. I just wish my Beer ‘N Pringles diet worked. I’d have the body of a supermodel by now if it did.
©2007, Janet Periat
