What Would Janet Do?
Hello Out There In Cyberspace!
Yes, I am still doing my advice column. So if you have any personal problems you want aired in public, I’m your gal! Feel free to ask me anything about love, sex or marriage and I’ll try my best not to humiliate you!
Dear Janet:
I’m a 37-year-old male. I just completed a Ph.D. in History. When I told my parents, my father questioned why I’d get a degree in something that “didn’t matter.” He wanted to know when I was going to grow up and get a real job again (I was in corporate finance for ten years). Ever since I left my job to pursue my true passion, he thinks I’ve lost my mind. How can I get him to see that I’m happier now and that this is a good thing for me?
Ted
El Granada
Dear Ted:
You can’t. Only he has the power to accept you. Your job is to learn how not to care what he thinks of you. Sorry. I know it won’t be easy, but it may be your only choice. Apparently, you never saw this side of your father, but it was always there. This issue hasn’t come up before because you were doing what he wanted you to do. You probably made your choice to be in corporate finance, not because you were particularly interested in it, but because you wanted his approval. Which is normal, we all want our parents’ approval. What your father doesn’t understand is that you are a separate person. He doesn’t understand you or your passion. Nor has he apparently taken the time to learn who you are. He sounds pretty closed off. For some reason, he thinks that you won’t be able to take care of yourself in your new path. Since he hasn’t separated from you, it really means that he doesn’t have much faith in himself. Your choices challenge his belief in his own limitations. He might have had a dream once upon a time and didn’t believe in himself enough to pursue it. Or his parents didn’t believe in him. Lucky for you, you’re finding out this new information about your father when you’re 37. Thankfully, your father believed in you for most of your life. Which gave you the strength to get that Ph.D. Which is clearly better than his parents did for him.
You need to learn to get your approval from yourself. And your colleagues. And all the other people in your life who believe in you. You may never get it from your father. But you don’t have to take his crap, either. When he attacks you, stand up for yourself. Tell him to back off. That you’re a man and it’s your life now and you don’t need his negative input. If he continues the battle, leave. If he won’t back down, then release yourself from your expectations of his behavior and accept the loss. Learn to accept your father for who he is, blindness and all, and try to love him anyway. If you have the fortitude and tenacity to achieve a Ph.D., you can handle your father. Believe in yourself, stand up for yourself, continue to pursue your dreams and everything will be fine. Oh, and congratulations on the Ph.D.
Dear Janet:
I’ve been dating a great guy. We’ve been together about six months. Only problem is, he left about a month ago on a sales trip and I’ve only heard from him about once a week. We saw each other every day for six months and now he’s only calling me once a week and the calls are rushed. When I asked him if it was over between us, he nearly lost his mind. I got two bouquets of flowers and candy and he even sent me a really nice necklace. But since he’s been having all this trouble with his cell phone company and doesn’t have a cell phone and I don’t know where he’s staying, I can’t reach him if I need to. Do you really think he loves me and is serious about me?
Missing Him
Letter to website
Dear Missing Him:
Yes, I think he loves you. No, I don’t think he’s serious about you. Your “great guy” is married. Yak herders in remote villages in Asia have cell phones. Seven-year-olds have cell phones. Sales people can’t do their jobs without cells. He doesn’t want you calling because he doesn’t want his wife to get suspicious. Sorry. Hire a private detective and find out who he really is. Even if he’s not married, he’s up to something. You don’t need drama, suspicion and trust issues. And definitely not six months into a relationship. But you need to know the truth. Think Tiger Woods. You might be one of many. Or maybe he’s got a legitimate excuse. But I doubt it. Good luck, honey.
Dear Janet:
My neighbors used to keep their yard up and their lawn mowed, but about six months ago, they started getting sloppy. The lawn wouldn’t be mowed for weeks, their recycling would spill and they wouldn’t clean it up right away. Their place is really looking trashy. I’ve talked to the city and they said they have no jurisdiction if the yard isn’t a health hazard. I want to sell soon and these people are bringing my property values down. I saw the woman who lives there and tried to talk to her, but she waved me off and rushed away. How do I get through to them?
Upset Neighbor
Letter to website
Dear Upset Neighbor:
Has it ever occurred to you that they may have experienced a family tragedy? Sounds to me like something happened to them six months ago. I understand you’re concerned about your property values, but if only one house on the block looks bad, it shouldn’t affect you. Have some compassion. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Since you obviously don’t know them well, you don’t know what’s going on. Someone could have cancer. A child could be sick. They may be losing the house. These are difficult economic times. Now, more than ever, we need the support and kindness of our neighbors.
©2010, Janet Periat
