Dear Janet:

I am raising my 2 grandkids and my daughter, the mom, won’t get it together and stay out of trouble, off of crack, etc. Do I disown, or hang in?

No Name
Letter to Janet’s website

Dear Grandmother:

First of all, bless you for being there for your grandkids. Your sacrifice is admirable and will ensure that the children have a decent chance for a future. I wish there were more people like you in the world. As for your daughter, you need to set some strict boundaries with her. Tell her what you want her to do. Tell her what she needs to do to stay in her kids’ life. Be very clear, put it in writing if need be. She needs to clean up her act, get into rehabilitation, stop doing drugs, get a job, get an apartment and get her life together. If she cannot do these things or refuses, you will have no choice but to put some distance on the relationship. I do not recommend “disowning” her. Always leave the door open for her to recover. But this does not mean you need to have anything to do with her now. Do not let her stay at your home, do not give her money or help her in any way other than raising her children. She needs tough love from you and professional help from a doctor and therapist. Call the county social services and see what is available to your daughter. Take down phone numbers and give them to her. Then let go of her and concentrate on the children. Don’t let the daughter see the children unless she is cleaned up. They need safety and routine. At this point in time, your daughter cares more about herself than her children. She is a danger to them. You need to concentrate on the welfare of the children. I would get legal custody of the children if you don’t already have it. Your daughter needs to have some consequences for her actions or she may never wake up. Shutting the door on her when she is drugged out will be heart-wrenching, but without a strong message, she may never get it together. I wish you the best of luck, my dear.

Dear Janet:

My grown son moved back in with me after his divorce. He promised to help around the house and with the bills. I am working hard to save money because I want to retire soon. He’s been living with me now for eight months, but I have yet to see a penny. He has been non-stop on his computer on dating sites and is going out about twice a week. I want him to find a nice girl, but he must be spending money on those dates. He says he is short of cash and thanks me for my patience. I don’t want to nag, but he eats a lot and he is a very messy kid. I want him to feel at home here, but last night he brought a woman home. They went into his room and he turned up his music and I heard some noises I wish I hadn’t coming from his room. He’s such a nice boy, I hate complaining. Help!

Frustrated Mom
Letter by email

Dear Frustrated Mom:

I’ll bet you’re frustrated. And ewwww, who wants to listen to a close relative have sex? Well, Bank of Mom, it’s time to put your foot down. You need to have a nice sit-down with your son and hand him this letter. If he’s a nice guy, he’ll probably be fine with your demands. But one point: he is not a “kid”, he is a grown man. You aren’t doing him any favors by letting him take advantage of you and yes, he’s taking advantage of you. It’s time he moved out and found his own place. It’s okay to claim your space and money. You won’t lose his love. Initially, he may get a bit angry, but he’ll get over it. Good luck, honey.

Dear Janet:

You’re going to probably think this is silly, but I’m going to ask the question, anyway. My boyfriend thinks that I’m not being open enough about food. He likes all kinds of weird food: foreign dishes, ethnic dishes and I’m a meat and potatoes kind of a girl. He thinks I’m narrow-minded. I just know what I like to eat and it isn’t what he likes to eat. Am I close-minded? By the way, we just moved in together and are planning to get married soon and we’re already arguing about the menu. I think this is his problem, he thinks it’s my problem. And other than this one issue, we get along great.

Picky Eater
Letter by email

Dear Picky Eater:

We don’t choose what we like to eat. We either like it or we don’t. I, personally, would love to like Indian food, but I can’t stand it. This is not my fault and I am not close-minded, I just don’t freakin’ like the taste. Tell the BF to stop the name-calling. In order to go the long haul, you two will have to accept many things about the other person you may not like. It doesn’t mean BF can’t have what he wants, it just means you may be fixing two meals at night instead of one. This is what my husband and I do. Sometimes he’s craving something I think should be served to the cat. And vice versa. As for the wedding? How about if you pick half the foods and he picks the other half? Compromise is the key to a successful relationship. And congratulations on the upcoming wedding.

Dear Janet:

I’m a fourteen-year-old girl and a freshman in high school. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot. He’s older than me and a senior. I told him I was a virgin when I met him and he loved that I was. We make out, but I don’t let him go too far because I don’t feel ready. But just last night, when were out parked in his truck, he showed me a condom he keeps in his ashtray and he told me it was for “Just in case.” He also said that his doctor told him that his acne would clear up more if he had sex regularly. I want to help him and I don’t want him to leave me, but I feel mixed up. I’m afraid of I don’t do what he wants that he’ll leave me. A bunch of my friends are hooking up, they say it’s no big deal. Am I making too much out of this sex thing?

A Virgin In Love
Letter by email

Dear Virgin:

No, you are definitely not making too much out of the “sex thing”. No matter what your friends say, sex is a HUGE deal. Especially for girls. You say you’re not ready, which means you aren’t. You will know when you are. If your boyfriend loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he wouldn’t pressure you. He is only thinking of himself right now, not you. You wouldn’t pressure him to do something he didn’t want to do, would you?

By the way, acne and regular sex have no relationship. That is a LIE. He is not only pressuring you to have sex, he is lying to you in order to get it. This is not a good sign for a healthy relationship. This boy believes that his needs outweigh yours. Which is just wrong. Besides, do you want to lose your virginity to someone who is only thinking of himself? If he does leave you because you won’t sleep with him, you’ll be better off in the long run. I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times from old people, but it is true. A break up is a wound like any other. It hurts like the dickens, but eventually you heal. Good for you for having such strong convictions. You’ll do well in life if you learn to stick to your guns and not bow to peer pressure. It isn’t easy, but the rewards are great.

©2008, Janet Periat