I have been with Frank for 23 years and counting. I am very happy in our marriage. Of course, first I had go through the five stages of death: Denial: I’ll help him find his socks this one time. Anger: Find your own %$^#& socks! Bargaining: If I put your socks in the sock drawer, then can you find them?  Depression: I have more value than being a sock finder. And, finally Acceptance: He’ll never know where his stupid socks are. Still, I think he and his fellow husbands can do better. Guys, below find my tips that should get you laid more often.

Tip One: Be thankful you are alive. Husbands have no idea how close to death they are. When you forgot her birthday; when you took apart the carburetor in the kitchen sink; when you adjusted the new projection TV unit and dropped it and killed it; when you forgot to tell her that your fourteen football buddies were on their way over to watch the game; when you were late to work and came screaming in the door because you couldn’t find your keys and ordered her to help you find them—even though she was late to work because she’d already helped you find your briefcase; and last, but not least, when your mother came to visit for a week and you checked out mentally and let her cook and clean and care for dear, old Mom. Each instance she thought about clubbing you over the head with a wine bottle. She thought about sneaking off to Vegas with her friends and leaving you in the lurch. She considered walking out that door and never looking back. But she didn’t. Because she loves you.

Tip Two: Be nice to her. Every guy out there is thinking, “I am nice to her.” No, you’re not. Most of your compliments stay in your head. She cannot read your mind. You actually have to open your mouth and thank her. Think about what she’s done for you today. Not in passing. Not during commercials. Sit down and count the things she did to ensure your life and the lives of your kids were running smoothly. And tell her you appreciate her. We don’t mind taking care of you and the kids. We only mind when you don’t acknowledge our hard work. We mind when you track dirt over the freshly mopped floors. We mind when you stumble in, eat dinner, and get on your computer without acknowledging we exist. We mind when we ask you to do one thing to our sixty for the day and you whine like a seven-year-old. Smile and do whatever she asks. Even if you don’t feel like it. Then you’ll know what’s it’s like to be her.

Tip Three: Be extra nice to her when she’s hormonal. Her hormones are not her fault. Estrogen was not invented to piss off men. We would rather be pleasant. We would rather get up in the morning with a song in our hearts. But we are the mercy of our bodies. So if you wake up and notice that your wife’s hair has turned into snakes and she’s already turned the cat to stone, smile and tell her she looks beautiful. Tell her you love what she’s done with her snakes. If you have a complaint, save it. If you have a favor to ask of her, don’t. Give her a wide berth and tell her how great she looks. How lovely, wonderful and thoughtful she is, even if she isn’t. Do not say things like: “God, you are such a bitch today.” “I like you with a little weight on you.” “Wow. I know just what you’re going to look like at eighty.” “Is it your period?” Unless you want your head melted off by the flames that will be shooting from her mouth.

Tip Four: Micromanaging is not “helping.” Frank says the dumbest things to me. “Heh-heh-heh, really massacring that avocado, aren’t you? I think it’s screaming uncle. Have you thought about using another knife?” My normal response is to bare my teeth and growl at him. Which prompts his next stupid response: “Fine, I was only trying to help.” Which is a total lie. Help is cooking dinner, not telling me how to sauté vegetables “the right way”. Help is washing the window, not making faces at me from the other side of the glass. Help is washing the car, not ripping a sponge out of my hand and giving me a Shiwala—which doesn’t work. Helping is actually doing the task, Frank. Oh. And all you other guys, too.

Tip Five: You are the reason you aren’t having sex more often. Women have to jump through major mental hurdles to have sex. Women have six brains, men have one. Women need all six brains tuned to sex in order to enjoy it. She’s thinking about the dishes and the kids and the bills and the PTA meeting and the thirty-six cupcakes that need to be baked tonight. Helping her with the cupcakes will get you laid faster than grabbing her breasts while she’s trying to cook. Think about setting a mood. Think about seducing her. Like drawing a bath for her, offering a foot rub or surprising her with flowers. Contrary to popular belief, women do not consider the presence of an erection as foreplay. Don’t “wag” it at her to entice her. Don’t talk about your dick in the third person. “Mr. Happy wants some fun!” is not arousing. Don’t refer to it as an inanimate object. For the record, I don’t want to sleep with a sausage. And don’t fart while propositioning her. Engulfing her in a cloud of stench is not sexy. Take a shower. Compliment her. Help with the chores. In other words, work at it, boys. We do everything for you. Don’t make us seduce ourselves, too.

©2010, Janet Periat