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Posts Tagged ‘holiday budget’

Janet’s New and Improved Holiday Tips

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with the winter holidays. Leaning more toward hate. As I have finally figured out, they aren’t going away. In fact, they start in July now. Counting January sales, we only have five Christmas-free months of the year. Basically, for self-preservation, I had to confront my loathing of the holidays. I went into deep therapy and now have come out the other side abhorring them a little less. For holiday-haters like me, I thought I’d pass along some tips that came out of my primal holiday scream therapy and helped restore a bit of happiness to the season.

Tip One: Learn the power of the word “NO!” It is magical. If you hate the holidays like I did, it’s because you don’t feel you have the power to say no to a mountain of extra work. Well, you do. If you really don’t want to do something, don’t. Or find a way to do it that makes you feel the least like a victim. More importantly, figure out what you want to do and do that. Pick things you like to do. Delegate everything else.  Of course, you’d do the task better, but realize your control freak side is the whole reason you got into this mess in the first place. That and the fact that most women grew up thinking that we had to serve others to be loved. To receive attention and be “a good girl” we cooked and cleaned and helped Mom.

Warning: when you first say no, you will be blanket-bombed with guilt. Unless you take some Prozac first. The guilt attack will not be from your family, although it’s quite possible you’ll upset people because no one likes change. Least of all families with their holiday traditions. But mostly the guilt will come from you. Ignore this horrid wave of pain. Here’s the truth: they will all love you, anyway. Even if you didn’t make those fantastic cookies. Even if you don’t clean anything or cook, they will still love you. Think about the times you couldn’t come through because you were sick. Let go of that written-in-stone obligation crap. Unless you stop it, the trend never ends.

As you will find out, most of this guilt stuff is in your head. Your family isn’t really paying attention to what you do. Mostly they don’t care if you help or not. Besides, there’s always another martyr willing to carry the cross. Or sometimes a miracle happens and everyone does equal shares of the work. Once you set your boundaries, you’ll be amazed how well everything can turn around. I discovered I actually like entertaining. I just found a way to do it on my own terms. First, I start with mimosas then switch to eggnog with brandy…

Tip Two: Submit to the torment. There is no escape. Really. Fighting it only makes it worse. Mainly the holidays are the only times the family gets together. Don’t miss these horrid moments of torture. Experiencing mass trauma bonds people like no other glue. Besides, holidays are where future family jokes are created. You don’t want to miss events like when Uncle Al put on the Santa costume, tripped, fell into the fireplace and caught on fire, do you? Or when Aunt Gilda lost her teeth biting into Mom’s fruitcake?

Tip Three: Don’t overspend. You will feel less like an idiot in January if your credit card bill is not equal to the cost of a cruise to Tahiti. Because all you’ll think is, “Damn it, I could have gone to Tahiti for this.” Ask yourself why you are spending so much. Can you really afford it? Family members will love you whether you get them a nice gift or not. Unless they are under thirteen. With the slow economy, everyone understands cutting back. Make a budget and stick to it. You can’t buy love and the holidays will return in five months. Save some money for the early sales.

Tip Four: If you still have family and are speaking to them, count yourself lucky and take that as your best holiday gift. There are those this holiday season who don’t have a family to complain about. There are those who have lost loved ones this year that they actually liked. If you’re having a relatively peaceful holiday and no one ends up bloody or in jail, realize how blessed you are. They may be demented and annoying, but they’re your family. Love them.

For the record, as much as I have complained about the holidays, I’m extremely lucky. My family is both attractive and entertaining. Everyone is funny. Mostly all you hear is loud laughter. Especially after the third round of drinks. I am blessed to have both of my parents still here. And for those who followed my columns about my sister and her stroke two and a half years ago, I am thankful for every moment I have with her. And she will be spending Christmas weekend with me. While I bitch and moan and complain, these are some of my favorite pastimes. In no way should it reflect on my relatives. Well, most of them.

Because as Christmas looms near, I look forward to having my noisy, funny, boisterous, delightful family filling my house to its rafters, spilling wine on my rugs, loving each other, hugging each other, posing for funny photos—with kids and dogs running all over the place. My family members are loud. They are amazing. And I love them more than anything in the world.

So my final words are to my awesome family: Thanks for being in my life and thanks for loving me so thoroughly. You are always in my heart, your smiling faces in my mind, your laughter still rings in my ears, even though we may be miles apart. Love to all.

Oh, and don’t forget the beer.

©2010, Janet Periat

Holidays on a Budget

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

Yes, it’s that time again, folks, to buy gifts for our loved ones. Due to job loss and the current economy, this year could prove even more challenging to those on a strained budget. Instead of exchanging guilt, frustration and worry this season, try something different and take one of my suggestions below.

Number One: Wrap cheap gifts in bags and boxes from expensive stores. Go to the dollar store, pick up some cheap crap and stuff it in a Nordstrom’s box. No one will know the difference and you’ll score huge points. Hopefully your relatives will reciprocate with gifts that are actually expensive.

Number Two: Create personalized gifts. This adds a wonderful personal touch and enables you to give more unique and memorable gifts. Do a sculpture in marshmallows of your father’s stomach. Handwrite a poem on nice parchment about the time your brother accidentally set the house on fire. Do a photo collage of your family’s most embarrassing moments. Make sure to include pictures of your Dad passed out behind the tree after the Cinco De Mayo tequila-chugging contest and your sister’s unfortunate hairstyle that made her look like a dead poodle.

Number Three: Make gifts out of recyclables. Think decoupaging an old wine bottle to make a beautiful vase. Hint: Consume all the wine before you decorate the bottle. Amazing what creativity sprouts under the influence of alcohol.

Number Four: Bake gifts for loved ones. People love cookies, candies and cakes. But don’t go for the usual, try the unusual. How about recreating The Last Supper with gingerbread men? How about a cake in the shape of deceased pet? Chocolate in the shape of a relative’s most prominent body part? Fruitcakes are especially recommended. Not only are they a tasty dessert, they make great wheel chocks, paperweights, provide amazing self-defense against burglars and work well as an impromptu jack stand to change tires on cars.

Number Five: Give gift certificates for personal services you will perform. Think about your talents. How can you turn this into a gift of service? Are you a racecar driver? Give a gift certificate for a thrilling ride to the airport. Are you a police officer? How about a coupon for covering up a relative’s petty crime? How about a mover? Give a certificate redeemable for moving your sister’s cheating husband out of her house. Exceptions: masseuses, personal escorts and performance artists. Even open-minded families don’t want to go there.

Number Six: Regift. While many will advise against this, a gift becomes a belonging once it is received. Fruitcakes make perfect regifts as they have half-lives and will more than likely outlive their recipients. If you’re all out of fruitcakes, I’ll bet Dad would appreciate that hand-crocheted toilet paper cover in the shape of a pink, frilly doll that Aunt Gilda made for you. What about that Obama Chia Pet you got from the office for Mom? What about the Ab Roller your husband gave you as an anniversary gift? As long as the item is more or less unused, anything is fair game.

Number Seven: Give the gift of a family heirloom. What a perfect opportunity to get rid of a family albatross under the guise of being generous. What about your dead aunt’s collection of raccoon memorabilia? How about Grandpa’s gold teeth, Cousin Lydia’s antique fruitcake or better yet, the urn full of Uncle Al’s ashes? What a marvelous surprise for Jimmy to open up a box on Christmas morning and find his favorite uncle’s remains.

Number Eight: Give a group gift that everyone will enjoy. Hire a Chippendale’s dancer for the family Easter party. A Mafioso to beat up your sister’s deadbeat husband. A group date to In and Out Burger. Or take your family to a time-share presentation for vacation homes in Antarctica. Not only is it free entertainment, you’ll get a box lunch to boot.

Number Nine: Give marketing stuff from work. Pens, pencils, mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts. If you don’t have enough marketing crap, think outside the box. Reams of paper, old computers, Post-It notes, manila envelopes. Maybe even your cubicle itself. Mom might want to divide the master bedroom and create some personal space away from Dad.

Number Ten: Change the gift tags on the presents under the tree. This is super simple. All you have to do is exchange tags and make the presents appear as if they came from you. This is the cheapest option of all.

Number Eleven: Steal stuff. Okay, so maybe this is bad karma, but who will know? Think a Rolex for Dad, a Ferrari for Mom, a few million for Sis. Hey, if you’re gonna be stealing something, why not aim high?

Number Twelve: Dumpster dive. It’s amazing what kind of stuff people throw away. So what if that sweater doesn’t have a sleeve? Put it in a Macy’s box and tell your sister it’s a new trend. And that case of chili may be a few months out of date, but it’s still good.

Number Thirteen: Buy my books. Especially How To Make Your Life Suck. Especially if you never want to hear from your relatives again.

Feel better about the upcoming holidays? Bursting with creative ideas on how to save money? Inspired to face the challenges of too much family time? Great. Glad I could help. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go create a sculpture of Rush Limbaugh out of old tires. What joy awaits my family on Christmas morning!

©2009, Janet Periat

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