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How To Protect Yourself Against The Impending Government Invasion

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

The US government is planning to invade the US. You may scoff at this idea—since the government is already here and in control—but I have it on good authority that they are planning to capture and enslave the populace. My fellow bunker-dwelling, assault-weapons-enthusiast, Yahoo commentators have outlined the Obama-led invasion in great detail. In order to help the uninformed, I have outlined some simple tips to protect you and your children from attack. Even though Americans outnumber government employees 27 to 1, scoffers take note: you are in imminent danger.

Number One: Know Thine Enemy. While we get distracted thinking that the US will use the military against us, think how much success they’ve had with recent invasions. How’s Iraq doing these days? Are we still in Afghanistan? Took us ten years to kill Osama Bin Laden—in Pakistan. While the US military is busy protecting the financial interests of the oil companies they won’t waste those precious resources against us. The government is comprised mainly of middle-aged men and women. These paunchy, out-of-shape, form-pushers are our true enemies. They are the ones the government will deploy against us.

Bullets and grenades won’t stop the hoards of middle managers, we must think like them to win the battle. What do forty-something men like? Supermodels and beer. What do middle-aged women enjoy? George Clooney and chocolate. To defeat the evil male government workers, all we have to do is hire cute chicks in bikinis to man tanker trucks full of beer. As for the female workers, we need to cover the area above our bunkers in George Clooney posters and boxes of chocolates. Add a few big screen TVs showing sports for the men and Lifetime Channel for the ladies and the government workers will be too distracted to attack. Ha!

Number Two: Knowing When The Attack Will Come. The government will be staging their attack Monday through Friday from 8:00 AM to 12:30 PM and from 1:30 PM to 5:00 PM. Exceptions: every other Friday when the offices are closed, and all government holidays including the week between Christmas and the New Year.

Number Three: Safest Places To Build Your Bunker. The US government has no interest in the most crime-ridden cities in America. They rarely fund the dilapidated schools of the poor and underprivileged neighborhoods, and abandon its populace to street gangs. Large chains won’t build stores in these areas; police don’t dare to venture inside. Perfect for your armed bunker! Those drug gangs will do your front line work for you! And think how cheap and available the extra weaponry will be. HINT: Schools and bridges are great places to hide during the war, but watch for the crumbling chunks of cement. Lack of investment in our infrastructure over the previous forty years has compromised many government installations. Bonus: after we’ve won the war, think how easy the buildings will be to destroy! One well-placed kick could bring the whole structure down. Perfect! EXTRA HINT: Most cities today have fox-hole-sized craters in their streets. Build your bunker at the end of a pitted avenue. Use the decay to your advantage!

Number Four: Rely On Trusted Information Sources. Getting accurate information is difficult yet necessary to foil the invasion. The only people brave enough to speak the truth are your fellow commentators on Yahoo, the Gun Lobby, the NRA, the Tea Party and most big corporations (Remember: corporations ARE people.) After the attack, avoid all mainstream media and emergency communications. Don’t use your cell phone because it will have been hacked. Don’t call 911 or you will alert them to your location. Stay in your bunker forever. Thankfully, your friends at the pharmaceutical corporations have abandoned the ridiculous idea of curing diseases and have provided people with what they really want: drugs that enable people to eat and drink whatever they like without exercising and not drop dead. Big Pharma doesn’t want to enslave you because they already own your fat ass. Make sure to stockpile their drugs. Pharmaceuticals will help you survive on MREs and diet Coke with little exercise but gun-cleaning and jumping to crazy conclusions.

Number Five: Extreme Home Makeover—The Bunker Edition. If you’re like me, your bunker’s not quite big enough to hold your stockpile of weapons and your whole family. Rather than kicking Aunt Selma to the curb, get creative with your bunker furnishings. Ammo cans make great coffee tables; turn an AK-47 into a lamp (watch which switch you use to turn it on or you might blow a hole through the roof); make a handgun chandelier; pack bullets into the earthen floor of the bunker for a great walking surface; paint half the grenades red and string them together for dazzling Christmas decorations; cover pallets of C-4 with comfy couch cushions—the possibilities are endless!

Number Six: Invasion Tricks. The US government knows your teenage daughter sneaks out to see her boyfriend at night and will be sending agents disguised as young women to attack you. Or dressed as your mother or son. How do you know that’s your wife coming back in the house with the morning paper? Open fire and ask questions later. Even if you make a mistake and kill your loved one, fewer family members means less people to defend and less people raiding your food stockpile. Which guarantees your survival. Neat!

I hope I have given vision to the sightless and awoken the sleeping. Lying to yourself that the US government is too feeble, badly organized, technologically challenged, underfunded and uninterested in subverting you is your ticket to enslavement. Just think, while you’re safe in your bunker, the rest of the country will be forced to enjoy the sunshine, their jobs, families and communities all the while being blind to the truth of their captivity. Suckers.

©2013, Janet Periat

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