It has come to my attention that our country is in the grip of a giant Stupid Attack. Truths, lies and myths have all mixed into one big confusing Internet story. So I will be your great Bringer of Truth. (Or Bringer of More BS, depending on your point of view.)

Myth Number One: The government is there to help you. This is actually true IF any or all of the following criteria are met: 1) You are an elected official. 2) You are a multi-national corporation. 3) You are richer than God. 4) You are a country that has oil. Then the red carpet rolls out and supplicants are willing to meet your every need. Owe money to the IRS? No problem. We’ll just postpone your billing and not charge you any penalties. Which brings up a question: how do congressmen owe back taxes without accruing penalties? They pay interest on their back taxes, but no penalties. We peons can’t owe back taxes without being put on an IRS black ops hit list. For this reason alone, I’ve decided to run for public office.

Myth Number Two: The pharmaceutical companies are working hard to cure your illnesses. Actually, they are working hard to “maintain” your illnesses with pills for life. Drug companies don’t make any money off of curing people. They only make money off of “controlling” illnesses. I have a friend who works at one of these wonderful drug companies. His lab produced a great drug that helped counter the effects of diabetes with amazing results. While this was another maintenance drug, his parent company shelved it because they couldn’t “maximize enough profits” from its production. My friend believed in this drug so much, he wanted to start his own company to produce it. The parent company refused his request to buy the patent. And we wonder why health care costs are spiraling out of control.

Myth Number Three: The Internet increases productivity and saves time by allowing us rapid access to information. Farmville, Worlds of Warcraft, Twitter, Facebook, Google, Amazon, My Space, You Tube. I envision millions of people in their cubicles, typing away on their keyboards in corporate offices. Their bosses look on, pleased their minions are so diligent. Yes, diligently comparing prices on Clinique lipstick, growing crops on Farmville and exchanging stupid chain emails involving angels and fairies. Remember, if you don’t send the Happy Angel to seven of your friends within ten minutes, your computer will die and your genitalia will fall off.

Myth Number Four: Global warming is a hoax. For all of your Flat Earth Society people who think that global warming is a plot by Al Gore to sell books and movies and get him the kind of cred he never had as Vice-President (mainly because of his spastic white-guy dancing at the Inaugural Ball), I invite you to buy coastal property. Then, when some big waves take out your home, you can go to the government for a bailout. And they’ll be right there for you. Just ask the people of New Orleans.

Myth Number Five: Schools are preparing our children for the future. All graduating students are now prepared for a future of sitting at desks and taking tests. When I think about how many jobs entail sitting and taking tests, I envision a beautiful future for America. “911, what’s your emergency?” “Help! My house is on fire! Send someone fast! How long before they get here?” “Let me see. If your house is on fire and has eleven minutes to burn to the ground and the fire station is five miles away and the fire engine is capable of speeds of twenty-five to thirty-miles an hour, I’d say the answer is ‘B’.” “’B’? I’ll lose my house by then. Why not ‘A’ or ‘D’?” “Sorry, sir, budget cutbacks.”

Myth Number Six: Banks are honest institutions. Right before she died, my aunt was sold an annuity by Bank of America. She never received copies of the documents she signed. Seventy-five thousand bucks vanished somewhere between my aunt signing and the payout after she died. Our lawyer sent five letters and made several phone calls requesting copies of the original documents. He was ignored. He finally told us it would cost more than seventy grand to force B of A to relinquish the documents. I’m so glad we taxpayers bailed them out. I was worried about B of A. I mean, how many victims can they fleece before people wise up and withdraw all their money?

Myth Number Seven: Outsourcing to India saves big corporations lots of money. And they get what they pay for. My husband just got a job which required a background check. The corporation hired to do his background check outsourced their work to India. So on Christmas Eve, Frank got a call from the background check people in India. They couldn’t verify his diploma from UC Santa Cruz because “no one is answering the phones.” Because it was CHRISTMAS EVE. Then the kicker. The person requested that Frank send a copy of his diploma to them so they could verify his degree. Frank was all for this. Because he just remembered that he got a Ph.D. from Stanford, was a Rhodes scholar and got an MBA from Harvard. I wonder if Homeland Security hired the same company to do the background check on that airline bomber.

Myth Number Eight: There is a middle class in America. Obama keeps talking about boosting the middle class, but I only know one class of people. Poor people. After putting the kids through college and taking care of our parents, we’ve already gone through all our retirement and savings. Here’s the new mantra for my generation: “Hello and welcome to Walmart!”

I’d move to my own island if I could get cable, high-speed Internet access and a reliable supply of Heineken.

©2010, Janet Periat

With the advent of the aging population, more and more people are finding themselves caring for elderly parents. Anyone in this situation knows it’s an uphill battle to get the oldsters to admit their limitations. And once they let us help them, they never leave us alone. Here are some solutions that should help us all with this growing problem.

Problem: Lonely, retired parents who inundate their busy, working children with phone calls.

Solution Number One: My new invention, the Answer-O-Matic™. This amazing phone system fools parents into thinking they are actually talking to their kids, when in fact, they are talking to a pre-recording! All the child does is simply record some questions into the Answer-O-Matic. For Dad: Dad, tell me that story about when you were in the Army or I’ve forgotten how to use a saw, could you outline the basics? For Mom: Mom, could you give me a recap on the last three Dr. Phil shows? Or the question that’s always good for an hour-long monologue: how’s your health?

Then the user simply records a few basic prompts in the Answer-O-Matic such as: Uh-huh. Really? Wow, things sure used to be better in the old days. I had no idea. I’m sorry, the cat was meowing, could you repeat that last part? Tell me again about that colonoscopy.

When the Answer-O-Matic runs through its entire program, it simply ends the call with: Oh, there’s my other line. It’s probably my boss. I’ll call you back later. Love you! Bye!

Solution Number Two: Outsourcing your parents’ calls to India. This is trickier and requires some pre-planning. Here’s how it works: When you next visit your parents or talk to them on the phone, start using a slight Indian lilt to your voice. Address them as “Mrs. Jane Doe” (it’s important to use their full name). Such as, “I am very happy to be speaking with you today, Mrs. Jane Doe.” Accustom them to oblique questions such as: “How are you my most honored father?” “Tell me about your Army days, please, sir.” Tell your parents you prefer to be called by your new nickname. Try Sanjeet or Raj. This will aid your overseas workers in being able to imitate you more accurately. Supply your new workers with your parents favorite topics, their favorite stories. Include some basic information about yourself, your approximate age, the names of your children and their approximate ages. It is not necessary to supply your workers with extensive personal information since most parents are calling to talk about themselves.

By using my Answer-O-Matic or outsourcing calls, soon your parents will be convinced they have the most devoted children on the planet! Their loneliness will vanish and so will your headache! A win-win situation for all!

Problem: Vain, mobility-challenged parents who refuse to use a walker.

Solution: My new inventions, the Floor Lamp Walker™ and the Coffee Table Walker™. My new devices disguise walkers as ordinary pieces of furniture. This way the elder will appear to be leaning on a piece of furniture, rather than relying on the dreaded walker. For trips outdoors, the elder can use the Trash Can Walker™ or the Mailbox Walker™. This way the old folks can send this message to the outside world: Hey, I’m not old, I’m just takin’ out the trash. Or: I’m not disabled, I’m just mailing a letter.

Just think how easy it will be to sell your parents on the Trash Can Walker when you can assure them that no one will be able to determine their age nor their physical condition. “Hey, Mom, everyone will go, what’s that twenty-year-old doing? Oh, they’re just taking out the trash!” An added feature: The Trash Can Walker also serves as a handy storage device for doing local neighborhood shopping. The Mail Box Walker also has plenty of storage, perfect for transporting Mom’s favorite Pekinese.

Problem: Sight-challenged parents who insist upon driving.

Solution: My new product, the Sim-U-Drive™. This handy device is an actual junked car that has been turned into a virtual reality driving experience. Simply replace your parents’ car with the Sim-U-Drive. When Dad goes out in the morning to wreak havoc on the local neighborhood, he gets in the Sim-U-Drive and starts up “the engine”. Instead of a windshield, Dad has no idea he’s looking at a plasma screen TV! Embedded motors provide simulated driving motion and vibrations. Speakers mounted around the driver’s head provide background traffic noise. The plasma screen displays his normal routes to the store or coffee shop and back. The Sim-U-Drive will fool any sight-challenged parent into believing they just drove to the store and back again! With no harm to either themselves or the local community! No lawsuits! No damage to the car! No road kill!

Problem: Hearing-challenged parents who refuse to wear a hearing aid.

Solution: My new invention, the iHear™. Disguised as an iPod, the iHear looks just like the latest hip music device but in actuality, it is a hearing aid! Tell your parents everyone will be mistaking them for teeny-boppers when they groove to this trendy beat.

If they aren’t keen on the iPod disguise, then try my other hearing product the Cell-U-Ear™. This hearing aid is disguised as a wireless cellphone headset. Tell your folks everyone will think they are important corporate executives when they proudly wear this new device around the shopping mall. It will also cover up the tendency old folks have to talk loudly to themselves, everyone will just think they’re having an important conversation with someone on the end of the line!

Tell your folks that by using one of these devices, not only will they appear years younger, they will be able to keep up the illusion of youth by actually hearing what is being spoken around them. Tell them that no longer will they have conversations like this: Phyllis called, she’s in the hospital. Who? What? Phyliss called! She’s in the hospital! Who called? Phyllis! Phyliss! Phyliss? Phyliss has syphilis?!

Stay tuned. We are on the precipice of more elder denial than ever with the Baby Boomers set to retire. You think it’s bad now, just wait until the Beatles generation starts moving into their retirement communes. My next products include “re-training” wheels for Harley-Davidson choppers, extra strength hearing aids for rock concert veterans, fake ponytails for balding hippies and large print issues of Rolling Stone magazine.

©2006, Janet Periat

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Since this article came out a few years ago, someone STOLE my idea for the iHear™. Just saw an ad for it in VIA magazine or somewhere like that. Hey, it’s a hearing aid disguised as a Bluetooth! THIEVES!!! Proves I’m not the only twisted mind in the universe…

ANOTHER AUTHOR’S NOTE: The above column can be found in my book Confessions of a Pink-Haired Lunatic.