WARNING: Political Humor Contained Within.

Note From Janet: While I used King George in this story, it just as well might be Queen Hillary or King John, (hopefully not but probably King Obama as well.)

Once upon a time, there was a magical fairyland called The United States of America. All of its people were happy, all of the leaders of the land were just, true and good. The king, a humble man named King George lived in a big white castle called the White House and ruled his land with kindness and compassion. His ministers who ran the kingdom were benevolent and caring. There was the Minister of Energy, Lord Exxon; the Minister of Food, Lord ConAgra; the Minister of Transportation, Lord Detroit Big Three; the Minister of Information, Lord Time Warner; the Ministers of Defense: Lord Halliburton and Lord Lockheed; the Minister of Health, Lord Pfizer; and the Ministers of Happiness, Lord Tobacco and Lord Alcohol. All the Lords cared deeply about their subjects. And everything was wonderful in the Kingdom.

One day, a small girl wandered into the White House on a tour and got lost. She walked the vast hallways of the Castle until she happened upon a large room where many white men sat around a huge table smiling and smoking cigars.

King George, who had been staring out the window, was the first to notice the little girl.

“Hey there, little girl, what are you doing here?” the king asked.

“I’m lost,” the little girl replied.

“Well, so am I most of the time. Hey guys, here’s a lost little girl, let’s take a break and talk to her. Might make for some good press, ay Lord Time Warner?”

Lord Time Warner nodded. “Little girls always make good press. What’s your name little girl?”

The little girl smiled widely. “My name is Truth.”

Lord Time Warner frowned. “Truth isn’t exactly a pretty name for such a pretty little girl. I, myself, hate the truth.”

All the Lords nodded their agreement.

King George was appalled. “Hey, she’s just a little girl with a terrible name. Probably had some hippie/commie/loser parents. Let’s cheer her up until our security detail gets here. I’ll bet she’s scared.”

“I am,” Truth said.

King George patted her on the head. “Your parents will find you, don’t worry, Truth.”

“I’m not worried about that,” she replied.

“Oh, no? Then what?” the king asked. “What could possibly worry someone as pretty and non-threatening-looking as you?”

“I’m worried about the polar bears. Their ice is melting and now they’re gonna dig for oil and ruin their home. They’re all gonna die.”

Lord Time Warner gasped, the king paled. All the Lords focused on the little girl.

Lord Exxon cleared his throat and said, “Now, now, who told you that lie? Why everyone knows that Polar bears hate the cold. They are thrilled that all that nasty ice is going away. And they love oil. They love to play in it, they love the oil rigs; why they even drink pure oil right from the ground—that’s why their eyes are so black and their coats are so shiny.”

The little girl nodded, relieved. “Oh, good. I was worried about that.”

All the Lords relaxed.

Truth frowned again. “But… the ice is going away then? So it’s true? Global Warming is happening?”

Lord Detroit Big Three’s face turned beet red, he began fanning himself. “No, no, it’s not happening. Nothing proven yet. And even if it is happening, India and China are causing it all. Not us. We’re good and just and true.”

All the Lords nodded their agreement.

Lord Time Warner said, “Global warming is a natural process of the earth. Now we may be getting a bit warmer, but you don’t like being cold, do you?”

“No,” Truth said.

“See?” Lord Exxon said. “Global warming is a good thing. Besides, this gives us the opportunity to exploit—I mean, develop other means of creating electricity. Like nuclear energy. It’s safe and wonderful with no waste.”

Truth shook her head. “I thought nuclear waste was toxic and they had no place to bury it anymore. That it had a half life of 50,000 years and they can’t get containers that last that long.”

King George’s jaw dropped. “Really?”

“No, no,” Lord Exxon assured the two. “Nuclear energy is wonderful. You like glow-in-the-dark toys, don’t you?”

Truth nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

Lord Exxon smiled. “Well, nuclear power plants make everything glow beautifully.”

“Oh, good,” Truth said.

King George smiled at the little girl. “You feel better?”

Truth said, “Oh, yes. I was told you rich white men didn’t care about the people.”

King George said, “Why, everything we do is for the people. Look what we’ve done for the people who’ve experienced disasters lately. We were right there for those unfortunate rich white people in San Diego who got burned out of their homes.”

“But what about the Katrina victims?” Truth asked. “I have an internet chat friend in New Orleans who still doesn’t have her house back. She says it’s because she’s poor and black.”

Lord Time Warner laughed and said, “Oh, honey, we’re color blind here, don’t you know that?”

King George nodded. “Yes, we are. We represent all the people.”

Truth examined all the faces sitting around the table. “But you’re all white men in this room. How come there aren’t two Latinos, half of you aren’t women and there isn’t a black person and an Asian in this room?”

Lord Halliburton pulled out his cell phone. “We’ve got a situation, here. Get security here, pronto.”

Lord ConAgra said, “Would you like a Happy Meal? They’re nutritious and good for you.”

Lord Alcohol said, “Get that little girl a drink.”

Lord Pfizer said, “Darling, I know just what you need. Some Zoloft. Let me get you a prescription.”

“But I don’t have any health insurance. I can’t afford Zoloft,” Truth replied. “But I can afford a Happy Meal and booze. But on TV they said that if I eat Happy Meals and drink I’ll get fat and will have to go on Weight Watchers because I won’t be able to fit into my Old Navy clothes.”

Six large men came bursting into the room.

King George pointed dramatically at Truth. “Off with her head!”

Later that day, Lord Time Warner issued these headlines: Assassination Attempt on King Thwarted: Truth Killed. Stocks Are Up. US Winning War In Iraq. Global Warming a Hoax. Oil-Drinking Polar Bears Caught On Film.

And everything was good in the magical fairyland and all of the people were safe, warm and happy. The End.

©2008, Janet Periat

P.S. I don’t do political humor very often, but stuff has been bugging me lately. Schools, our health care system, social services and roads are failing; our environment getting more and more polluted, our climate is getting unstable and no one in Washington seems to care. All they care about is pandering to their friends. I pray for a change. I really like this country and all the lovely people in it. We deserve better.

For those of you with subscriptions to newspapers and newsmagazines, I am going to save you money and time. The following column sums up the content of EVERY newspaper and newsmagazine I’ve ever read. I am so sick of the trite, repetitive behaviors of my fellow humans, I can’t tell you. Well, actually, I just did.

Anyway, here are your daily headlines. No expiration date. No publishing date.

Evangelical Preacher (or Republican Senator) Caught Having Sex With A Male Prostitute

Or a young girl. Or a young boy. Uh, huh. Ashes, ashes, they all fall down. How many of these guys are there? There seems to be an inexhaustible supply of closet homosexual preachers and senators. They are always conservative, have large families and preach against the evils of homosexuality. These are the kinkiest bastards in the universe. I want to know where they all come from. Astounding how many in a year get exposed. Or expose themselves. At least they give us great quotes like “I have a wide stance.”

Toxic Spill Destroys Natural Habitat

When I was a child, I honestly didn’t expect to see ten years old. That Duck and Cover Nuclear Attack Drill crap was terrifying. Even as a kid you knew this BS about ducking under your desk would not stop your ass from frying if a nuke was dropped on you or nearby. Add to that brown skies (they have actually cleaned up a lot since I was a kid) and all the DDT news and Red Dye Number Two cancer scare stuff, I was a paranoid kid. And my daily dose of news has kept this paranoia at a pretty constant level ever since. I’m sorta attached to humans. I hope we get the lesson before it’s our natural habitat the toxic spill destroys.

Taxes on the Poor Increase, Rich People Getting Richer

Welcome to Earth. Since the dawn of civilization, those in power got more. More money, more food, more sex partners, more land, more privileges. Get over it. It’s the way it is. I will never stop the fight for equality, but I won’t exhaust myself. But I will stop being surprised.

Tainted Carrots Kill Babies! Car Seats Kills Babies! Toys Toxic To Babies!

What is up with all these products killing babies? Everyday some manufacturer gets caught selling products for infants that are either lethal, dangerous or inferior. Remember when Gerber got caught putting sugar water in cans marked “Apple Juice” instead of apple juice? Babies seem to be high on the list of targets. Manufacturers are like: hey, it’s a baby. They can’t talk. They can’t say, “Hey Mom, this apple juice tastes like crap. It’s freakin’ sugar water here.” No one will find out. This has to be high up on the list of Most Heinously Slimy Acts. If there is a Hell, people endangering the health of babies in return for higher profits are buying one-way tickets to the Hot Zone.

Incurable Killer Disease Is Spreading

Yes, yes, we’re all about to die. Remember, that’s the most important message from the news: we are all about to DIE. For pity’s sake, are we a planet of drama queens or what?

Teen Kills 12-Year-Old Over Gum Machine Prize

Or because he was walking too slowly. Or because the victim looked like someone they didn’t like. Or to score points with a gang. Makes no sense. I assume its some mechanism that helps maintain the human population. I would rather see birth control do this job.

City Councilmen Accuse Each Other Of Wrongdoing

Or of stealing each other’s campaign signs. Lying to get votes. Smearing their reputation. Blah, blah, blah. What freakin’ morons. Children in adult costumes. Most people who want power shouldn’t be allowed to have it.

Endangered Animal Taken Off Endangered Species List

Hunters salivate! Corruption, corruption and more corruption. Who knows what species are endangered anymore? At the rate we’re destroying the Earth, I’d say, uh, ALL OF THEM. But in our government, you have to bribe or buy someone to get or keep an animal protected. Darwin’s theory missed the mark: in the future it will be Survival of The Most Popular. Only the cutest animals will survive.

Middle East On Verge Of War

Wake up, people! The morons in the Middle East have been at war since the dawn of civilization (which, ironically, is where the dawn of civilization happened). And they will be at war until the end of civilization in the year 156,666,788. Give or take a few millennia. If people are still around. Which at this rate, is a long shot. (But I have great hopes.)

Corruption At the White House

Get the defibrillator, I am so shocked. My…(sob) leaders… are taking advantage of me? Using my tax dollars to line the pockets of their friends? No, it can’t be! Horrors! I feel so betrayed! So… why is this news? Show me a president who hasn’t taken advantage of his position and now that would be news.

Volunteers Help Save Neighborhood

At the very bottom of the page, once in awhile you get these kinds of stories. I would like to see more of these and less of the above, boring, repetitive crap they fling at us daily. There is a whole lot of cool stuff going on that we don’t hear about. Tons of great stories about people helping each other that rarely make it to the news. That whole “if it bleeds, it leads,” stuff. Yeah, and here I am, Miss Preacher, and what do I watch? Freakin’ Court TV. Forensic Files. And the evening news.

Okay, okay, so I’m hopeless. I’m addicted to my newspaper, Newsweek and Time. Not to mention 24 and all those explody action movies. Why, you may ask, since I seem to loathe all this craziness so much? I got two words for you: Duck and Cover.

©2007, Janet Periat