I buy stupidly expensive potato chips. We all have our vices. However, I just discovered that, for some reason, I have been buying the hype about my premium potato chips. Before today, I believed that somehow my chips were not only tastier and better made than average potato chips but classier. I believed that the sophisticated manufacturer of my chips didn’t waste bag space on useless advertising slogans—their sales techniques were understated and refined. Just like their customers.

Which, I have just realized, makes me an idiot not only because I’ve wasted good money on one of the cheapest vegetables on the market but because I have succumbed to the pretentious chip manufacturer’s stupid marketing pap. Just now, as I was stuffing my face with their chips, I actually read the bag. The last time I was this disappointed was when I was seven and found out that Captain Kangaroo was neither a real Captain nor a real person but some actor named Bob (I’d already figured out he wasn’t a real kangaroo—I was quite an astute child).

On the front of the bag of my expensive chips, under the title and the sumptuous picture of tantalizing chips, is a box with this proud proclamation stated in large letters: 25% MORE CHIPS. On closer inspection, below this wonderful news that I’m getting a bunch more chips, is this statement written in very small letters. “Than Our 6 OZ Chips.” Uh. Wait. It doesn’t say 25% more for the same price. It just says 25% more than 6 OZ Chips. Which means I didn’t get a bargain at all, I just paid more for a bigger bag of chips. This is the manufacturer’s big sales pitch. It’s a bigger bag. Priced higher. This is their huge news flash.

I feel so let down. I expected more out of these people. I expect Nabisco to be lying to me and making ridiculous claims about their products. “Now! Cheesier!’ I expect Frito-Lay to be splashing their bags with ludicrous marketing nonsense. “New! Different Packaging!” But I expected more out of my high class snack purveyors. I eat their fancy schmancy chips and pay their fancy schmancy price with the idea that they are selling me a better product. They don’t need to resort to using inane sales techniques on me, their target customer, because I am refined, sophisticated and classy. I buy their pretentious potato chips because I am a gourmet snack connoisseur. In more common terms, I am a snack snob. Basically, I buy expensive beer and expensive chips because I can’t afford an expensive house and an expensive car. Buying gourmet chips is the way I get my self esteem. And now the manufacturer has failed me. They’ve crossed a boundary. They have now fallen in my eyes, I might as well be eating Doritos. (Which I eat on occasion when I feel like slumming. Also because Doritos are so frickin’ tasty even though they contain more chemicals than a hair treatment.)

On second glance at this bag, I am now feeling humiliated. These chips aren’t understated and classy, they are showy and dishonest. “Exotic Vegetable Chips” they proclaim. Exotic? Potatoes? This is like saying Velveeta is a “Rare Imported French Cheese.” The use of the word “exotic” is an outright lie. Parsnips (also in the bag) are not exotic, they are commonplace and cheap. Tawdry, even.

Now, after closely studying the copy on the bag, I am past humiliated, I’m on a downward spiral. I think I might need a snack chip intervention. Here’s my new favorite part of the sales pitch on the bag:

“Our chips combine the beautiful colors and delicious flavors of the earth’s own vegetables into the perfect accompaniment for most cuisines.”

Escargot and potato chips, anyone? I’d love my satay and curry with a side of potato chips. Sushi and potato chips, always a great combo. Filet Mignon with Béarnaise sauce, asparagus tips… and potato chips. I’m sure everyone who is shelling out a couple hundred for dinner at a fancy restaurant would be thrilled to see their entree coming out with a big pile of potato chips next to it. Not only are these chip charlatans liars, they are DELUSIONAL. Svengali bastards who hypnotized me into believing I was a better person because I bought their stupid chips. I hate them.

Even the ingredient list is pretentious. “Ingredients: A seasonal mix of root vegetables…” What? What season are they talking about? These chips are available all year round. Liars! Wasting perfectly good words hyping the stupid ingredient list! Am I supposed to feel better now for paying four bucks for a bag of chips instead of two? Because they’re using high falutin language fit only for a five star chi-chi restaurant? These are chips, people! Just potato chips! Chips that used to boost my self esteem, but now, after actually reading the bag, have made me feel like a fool. I am now in a self esteem deficit, just from buying a bag of chips. I think I’m going to get myself a lawyer. These people must pay. If some moron sued McDonald’s for serving hot coffee that was actually hot, I can certainly get some money for emotional suffering from buying hoity-toity potato chips in packaging riddled with lies.

I have decided to write my own copy for this particular bag of chips. Ripoff Chips—Overpriced Pretentious Potato Chips In Fancy Schmancy Packaging. 25% More Hype Than Other Brands! Ingredients: Plain ol’ potatoes, parsnips and some other common root vegetables that are cheap to buy and cheap to process but because we have hyped them so well we have convinced a bunch of deluded people who get their self esteem from buying overpriced snack foods to pay up the butt for stupid potato chips enabling us to retire to our own private South Seas Islands. Stay tuned for our next product: Florida Swamp Condos or Water-Based Luxury Dwellings For The Sophisticated Buyer. Free waders included in every sale!

Damn… I finished the bag. I’ll be right back. I have to go to the store for chips and beer. Uh… you got a fifty on you?