I am physically unable to pass by an arcade claw machine without sticking some money inside and trying to rescue the animals within. Success depends on many factors: the lay of the animal, obstructions, but most importantly, the strength of the claw. I have yanked many buried animals out of machines by the sheer clamping power of the claw. But that is rare. Mainly, the search is for animals that are laying on top of others, unobstructed. I have spent hours and hours and many dollars rescuing animals from machines.

Which means I have been the temporary owner of some of the most hideous, mangled, freakish and downright disturbing stuffed animals created. Claw machines are Purgatory for ugly stuffed animals. A sad, lonely, horrible existence.

Which is why it has become my mission to rescue them and send them off to Toys for Tots. Which inevitably makes me feel guilty. Dad doesn’t have a job, we’re losing our house and all I have to show for it is a deformed giraffe. Oh, well, such is life.

Soon, I will be featuring pictures of the creme de la creme of the hideous creatures I have “won” along with stories about them.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.