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Posts Tagged ‘survival guide’

How To Protect Yourself Against The Impending Government Invasion

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

The US government is planning to invade the US. You may scoff at this idea—since the government is already here and in control—but I have it on good authority that they are planning to capture and enslave the populace. My fellow bunker-dwelling, assault-weapons-enthusiast, Yahoo commentators have outlined the Obama-led invasion in great detail. In order to help the uninformed, I have outlined some simple tips to protect you and your children from attack. Even though Americans outnumber government employees 27 to 1, scoffers take note: you are in imminent danger.

Number One: Know Thine Enemy. While we get distracted thinking that the US will use the military against us, think how much success they’ve had with recent invasions. How’s Iraq doing these days? Are we still in Afghanistan? Took us ten years to kill Osama Bin Laden—in Pakistan. While the US military is busy protecting the financial interests of the oil companies they won’t waste those precious resources against us. The government is comprised mainly of middle-aged men and women. These paunchy, out-of-shape, form-pushers are our true enemies. They are the ones the government will deploy against us.

Bullets and grenades won’t stop the hoards of middle managers, we must think like them to win the battle. What do forty-something men like? Supermodels and beer. What do middle-aged women enjoy? George Clooney and chocolate. To defeat the evil male government workers, all we have to do is hire cute chicks in bikinis to man tanker trucks full of beer. As for the female workers, we need to cover the area above our bunkers in George Clooney posters and boxes of chocolates. Add a few big screen TVs showing sports for the men and Lifetime Channel for the ladies and the government workers will be too distracted to attack. Ha!

Number Two: Knowing When The Attack Will Come. The government will be staging their attack Monday through Friday from 8:00 AM to 12:30 PM and from 1:30 PM to 5:00 PM. Exceptions: every other Friday when the offices are closed, and all government holidays including the week between Christmas and the New Year.

Number Three: Safest Places To Build Your Bunker. The US government has no interest in the most crime-ridden cities in America. They rarely fund the dilapidated schools of the poor and underprivileged neighborhoods, and abandon its populace to street gangs. Large chains won’t build stores in these areas; police don’t dare to venture inside. Perfect for your armed bunker! Those drug gangs will do your front line work for you! And think how cheap and available the extra weaponry will be. HINT: Schools and bridges are great places to hide during the war, but watch for the crumbling chunks of cement. Lack of investment in our infrastructure over the previous forty years has compromised many government installations. Bonus: after we’ve won the war, think how easy the buildings will be to destroy! One well-placed kick could bring the whole structure down. Perfect! EXTRA HINT: Most cities today have fox-hole-sized craters in their streets. Build your bunker at the end of a pitted avenue. Use the decay to your advantage!

Number Four: Rely On Trusted Information Sources. Getting accurate information is difficult yet necessary to foil the invasion. The only people brave enough to speak the truth are your fellow commentators on Yahoo, the Gun Lobby, the NRA, the Tea Party and most big corporations (Remember: corporations ARE people.) After the attack, avoid all mainstream media and emergency communications. Don’t use your cell phone because it will have been hacked. Don’t call 911 or you will alert them to your location. Stay in your bunker forever. Thankfully, your friends at the pharmaceutical corporations have abandoned the ridiculous idea of curing diseases and have provided people with what they really want: drugs that enable people to eat and drink whatever they like without exercising and not drop dead. Big Pharma doesn’t want to enslave you because they already own your fat ass. Make sure to stockpile their drugs. Pharmaceuticals will help you survive on MREs and diet Coke with little exercise but gun-cleaning and jumping to crazy conclusions.

Number Five: Extreme Home Makeover—The Bunker Edition. If you’re like me, your bunker’s not quite big enough to hold your stockpile of weapons and your whole family. Rather than kicking Aunt Selma to the curb, get creative with your bunker furnishings. Ammo cans make great coffee tables; turn an AK-47 into a lamp (watch which switch you use to turn it on or you might blow a hole through the roof); make a handgun chandelier; pack bullets into the earthen floor of the bunker for a great walking surface; paint half the grenades red and string them together for dazzling Christmas decorations; cover pallets of C-4 with comfy couch cushions—the possibilities are endless!

Number Six: Invasion Tricks. The US government knows your teenage daughter sneaks out to see her boyfriend at night and will be sending agents disguised as young women to attack you. Or dressed as your mother or son. How do you know that’s your wife coming back in the house with the morning paper? Open fire and ask questions later. Even if you make a mistake and kill your loved one, fewer family members means less people to defend and less people raiding your food stockpile. Which guarantees your survival. Neat!

I hope I have given vision to the sightless and awoken the sleeping. Lying to yourself that the US government is too feeble, badly organized, technologically challenged, underfunded and uninterested in subverting you is your ticket to enslavement. Just think, while you’re safe in your bunker, the rest of the country will be forced to enjoy the sunshine, their jobs, families and communities all the while being blind to the truth of their captivity. Suckers.

©2013, Janet Periat

Survival Guide To Major (Health) Crises, Part Two

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

My sister moved out of my house this week and my parents went into a retirement home. I cannot grasp the enormity of these events. All I know is that I’m bloody tired.

I took care of my parents for the past twenty years. In late May my sister arrived on my doorstep. “I have a brain tumor.” June 10 she endured eight hours of surgery. June 11 she had a stroke, rendering her unable to speak or move. When she left the hospital and arrived at my house on July 4, she could feed herself but couldn’t brush her teeth or walk. She is now dancing. Literally. Not only that, she is cooking for herself, cleaning her house and caring for her cats and yard. Her speech is lagging some, she has a long road in front of her, but in the end she will be healthy. She’s made a miraculous recovery.

For me, they were the shortest, most intense and worst months of my life to date. Hell one minute. Hope the next. A rollercoaster ride neither my sister nor I want to repeat.

In addition to that atom bomb of health drama, my parents finally realized that being blind and confused without the ability to drive while living out in the middle of nowhere was putting a bit of a damper on their lives. Especially given their best two helpers were out of commission. So they moved in a retirement home in Santa Cruz with their best friends.

Suddenly, all the people I was trying to keep alive are now doing fine without me. Which has left me with a few big questions. Where do I go from here? What are the lessons I learned?

Number One: Worrying Is Stupid. We all know this, but most of us still spend countless units of our personal energy fretting over stupid crap. What has twenty years of worrying about my parents done for me? Earned me some gray hairs and many sleepless nights. Did it help take care of them? Did it help take care of me? No and no. All it did was make me drink more than I should and give me a stomachache. So I’ve decided to fire the Worrier in my head… Or at least give it a good try.

Number Two: Vacations and Breaks From Routine Are Imperative To Good Mental Health. Even in the midst of crises. Three weeks after Judy arrived at my house from the hospital, I was completely crazy. Thankfully, I had a Romance Writer’s of America Conference in San Francisco. The day I packed and left was one of the most insane days at the house. My parents, sister-in-law, niece, sister and caregiver all were having lunch in my kitchen, Judy’s occupational therapist dropped by with her supervisor and I was running around trying to remember what the hell I needed to pack while people bombarded me with questions and demands. By the time I got in the car, I was genuinely concerned for my mental safety. I prayed the hotel didn’t have any issues with my reservation because I’d go nuclear (reservation was fine). After I got into my hotel room, I bought a nine-dollar beer from the mini-bar (probably the best nine bucks I ever spent). Ten minutes after that, surrounded by silence, I finally realized that I was alone. No one was asking me for anything. I started to relax. By the next morning, I felt myself center. I was finally me again. By the time I returned to the house, all the problems that seemed insurmountable were reduced to minor distractions. I had no idea how therapeutic a few days away would be. I was able to handle the rest of Judy’s stay with my head on straight.

Downtime is not a luxury, it is a necessity. And this applies to normal life, not just crises. Without rest and a break from the craziness of life, not only do you end up working too hard for too little results, most of your energy goes to mood control because you’re too tired to distance yourself from problems. Which brings me to Number Three, which is really a part of Two, but it was going on too long…

Number Three: Be Aware Of The Current Work Ethic. Distance yourself from the herd mentality and make sacrifices to get the downtime you need. Or the next downtime you get may be six feet underground. Our current culture is driving everyone into producing more than is humanly possible. Job burnout is at an all-time high. The falling dollar, recession, pressure from Wall Street to earn unreasonable and unsustainable profits is pushing business owners and their employees. For some reason it’s become a badge of honor to work eighty hours a week without vacations. People who get caught up in this dangerous game (including my sister—who was headed for a stroke even without the brain tumor) not only sacrifice their health, they sacrifice their relationships with others. If all your energy is going to your work, it’s not going to your friends and family. And these are the only people who care about you. If you get sick from overwork, is your boss or a customer of yours gonna come by the house and take care of you? No. Take care of yourself, friends and family first, then think about your work. If that’s not possible, get a new job or downsize your business. There are plenty of solutions out there if you have the courage to look.

I will leave you with this last piece of invaluable wisdom from a fortune cookie. The secret to happiness is to count your blessings while others add up their troubles.

There, now I feel better.

©2008, Janet Periat

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