Janet’s Daily News
For those of you with subscriptions to newspapers and newsmagazines, I am going to save you money and time. The following column sums up the content of EVERY newspaper and newsmagazine I’ve ever read. I am so sick of the trite, repetitive behaviors of my fellow humans, I can’t tell you. Well, actually, I just did.
Anyway, here are your daily headlines. No expiration date. No publishing date.
Evangelical Preacher (or Republican Senator) Caught Having Sex With A Male Prostitute
Or a young girl. Or a young boy. Uh, huh. Ashes, ashes, they all fall down. How many of these guys are there? There seems to be an inexhaustible supply of closet homosexual preachers and senators. They are always conservative, have large families and preach against the evils of homosexuality. These are the kinkiest bastards in the universe. I want to know where they all come from. Astounding how many in a year get exposed. Or expose themselves. At least they give us great quotes like “I have a wide stance.”
Toxic Spill Destroys Natural Habitat
When I was a child, I honestly didn’t expect to see ten years old. That Duck and Cover Nuclear Attack Drill crap was terrifying. Even as a kid you knew this BS about ducking under your desk would not stop your ass from frying if a nuke was dropped on you or nearby. Add to that brown skies (they have actually cleaned up a lot since I was a kid) and all the DDT news and Red Dye Number Two cancer scare stuff, I was a paranoid kid. And my daily dose of news has kept this paranoia at a pretty constant level ever since. I’m sorta attached to humans. I hope we get the lesson before it’s our natural habitat the toxic spill destroys.
Taxes on the Poor Increase, Rich People Getting Richer
Welcome to Earth. Since the dawn of civilization, those in power got more. More money, more food, more sex partners, more land, more privileges. Get over it. It’s the way it is. I will never stop the fight for equality, but I won’t exhaust myself. But I will stop being surprised.
Tainted Carrots Kill Babies! Car Seats Kills Babies! Toys Toxic To Babies!
What is up with all these products killing babies? Everyday some manufacturer gets caught selling products for infants that are either lethal, dangerous or inferior. Remember when Gerber got caught putting sugar water in cans marked “Apple Juice” instead of apple juice? Babies seem to be high on the list of targets. Manufacturers are like: hey, it’s a baby. They can’t talk. They can’t say, “Hey Mom, this apple juice tastes like crap. It’s freakin’ sugar water here.” No one will find out. This has to be high up on the list of Most Heinously Slimy Acts. If there is a Hell, people endangering the health of babies in return for higher profits are buying one-way tickets to the Hot Zone.
Incurable Killer Disease Is Spreading
Yes, yes, we’re all about to die. Remember, that’s the most important message from the news: we are all about to DIE. For pity’s sake, are we a planet of drama queens or what?
Teen Kills 12-Year-Old Over Gum Machine Prize
Or because he was walking too slowly. Or because the victim looked like someone they didn’t like. Or to score points with a gang. Makes no sense. I assume its some mechanism that helps maintain the human population. I would rather see birth control do this job.
City Councilmen Accuse Each Other Of Wrongdoing
Or of stealing each other’s campaign signs. Lying to get votes. Smearing their reputation. Blah, blah, blah. What freakin’ morons. Children in adult costumes. Most people who want power shouldn’t be allowed to have it.
Endangered Animal Taken Off Endangered Species List
Hunters salivate! Corruption, corruption and more corruption. Who knows what species are endangered anymore? At the rate we’re destroying the Earth, I’d say, uh, ALL OF THEM. But in our government, you have to bribe or buy someone to get or keep an animal protected. Darwin’s theory missed the mark: in the future it will be Survival of The Most Popular. Only the cutest animals will survive.
Middle East On Verge Of War
Wake up, people! The morons in the Middle East have been at war since the dawn of civilization (which, ironically, is where the dawn of civilization happened). And they will be at war until the end of civilization in the year 156,666,788. Give or take a few millennia. If people are still around. Which at this rate, is a long shot. (But I have great hopes.)
Corruption At the White House
Get the defibrillator, I am so shocked. My…(sob) leaders… are taking advantage of me? Using my tax dollars to line the pockets of their friends? No, it can’t be! Horrors! I feel so betrayed! So… why is this news? Show me a president who hasn’t taken advantage of his position and now that would be news.
Volunteers Help Save Neighborhood
At the very bottom of the page, once in awhile you get these kinds of stories. I would like to see more of these and less of the above, boring, repetitive crap they fling at us daily. There is a whole lot of cool stuff going on that we don’t hear about. Tons of great stories about people helping each other that rarely make it to the news. That whole “if it bleeds, it leads,” stuff. Yeah, and here I am, Miss Preacher, and what do I watch? Freakin’ Court TV. Forensic Files. And the evening news.
Okay, okay, so I’m hopeless. I’m addicted to my newspaper, Newsweek and Time. Not to mention 24 and all those explody action movies. Why, you may ask, since I seem to loathe all this craziness so much? I got two words for you: Duck and Cover.
©2007, Janet Periat
Tags: political humor
