As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with the winter holidays. Leaning more toward hate. As I have finally figured out, they aren’t going away. In fact, they start in July now. Counting January sales, we only have five Christmas-free months of the year. Basically, for self-preservation, I had to confront my loathing of the holidays. I went into deep therapy and now have come out the other side abhorring them a little less. For holiday-haters like me, I thought I’d pass along some tips that came out of my primal holiday scream therapy and helped restore a bit of happiness to the season.

Tip One: Learn the power of the word “NO!” It is magical. If you hate the holidays like I did, it’s because you don’t feel you have the power to say no to a mountain of extra work. Well, you do. If you really don’t want to do something, don’t. Or find a way to do it that makes you feel the least like a victim. More importantly, figure out what you want to do and do that. Pick things you like to do. Delegate everything else.  Of course, you’d do the task better, but realize your control freak side is the whole reason you got into this mess in the first place. That and the fact that most women grew up thinking that we had to serve others to be loved. To receive attention and be “a good girl” we cooked and cleaned and helped Mom.

Warning: when you first say no, you will be blanket-bombed with guilt. Unless you take some Prozac first. The guilt attack will not be from your family, although it’s quite possible you’ll upset people because no one likes change. Least of all families with their holiday traditions. But mostly the guilt will come from you. Ignore this horrid wave of pain. Here’s the truth: they will all love you, anyway. Even if you didn’t make those fantastic cookies. Even if you don’t clean anything or cook, they will still love you. Think about the times you couldn’t come through because you were sick. Let go of that written-in-stone obligation crap. Unless you stop it, the trend never ends.

As you will find out, most of this guilt stuff is in your head. Your family isn’t really paying attention to what you do. Mostly they don’t care if you help or not. Besides, there’s always another martyr willing to carry the cross. Or sometimes a miracle happens and everyone does equal shares of the work. Once you set your boundaries, you’ll be amazed how well everything can turn around. I discovered I actually like entertaining. I just found a way to do it on my own terms. First, I start with mimosas then switch to eggnog with brandy…

Tip Two: Submit to the torment. There is no escape. Really. Fighting it only makes it worse. Mainly the holidays are the only times the family gets together. Don’t miss these horrid moments of torture. Experiencing mass trauma bonds people like no other glue. Besides, holidays are where future family jokes are created. You don’t want to miss events like when Uncle Al put on the Santa costume, tripped, fell into the fireplace and caught on fire, do you? Or when Aunt Gilda lost her teeth biting into Mom’s fruitcake?

Tip Three: Don’t overspend. You will feel less like an idiot in January if your credit card bill is not equal to the cost of a cruise to Tahiti. Because all you’ll think is, “Damn it, I could have gone to Tahiti for this.” Ask yourself why you are spending so much. Can you really afford it? Family members will love you whether you get them a nice gift or not. Unless they are under thirteen. With the slow economy, everyone understands cutting back. Make a budget and stick to it. You can’t buy love and the holidays will return in five months. Save some money for the early sales.

Tip Four: If you still have family and are speaking to them, count yourself lucky and take that as your best holiday gift. There are those this holiday season who don’t have a family to complain about. There are those who have lost loved ones this year that they actually liked. If you’re having a relatively peaceful holiday and no one ends up bloody or in jail, realize how blessed you are. They may be demented and annoying, but they’re your family. Love them.

For the record, as much as I have complained about the holidays, I’m extremely lucky. My family is both attractive and entertaining. Everyone is funny. Mostly all you hear is loud laughter. Especially after the third round of drinks. I am blessed to have both of my parents still here. And for those who followed my columns about my sister and her stroke two and a half years ago, I am thankful for every moment I have with her. And she will be spending Christmas weekend with me. While I bitch and moan and complain, these are some of my favorite pastimes. In no way should it reflect on my relatives. Well, most of them.

Because as Christmas looms near, I look forward to having my noisy, funny, boisterous, delightful family filling my house to its rafters, spilling wine on my rugs, loving each other, hugging each other, posing for funny photos—with kids and dogs running all over the place. My family members are loud. They are amazing. And I love them more than anything in the world.

So my final words are to my awesome family: Thanks for being in my life and thanks for loving me so thoroughly. You are always in my heart, your smiling faces in my mind, your laughter still rings in my ears, even though we may be miles apart. Love to all.

Oh, and don’t forget the beer.

©2010, Janet Periat

Here we are again. Brave soldiers facing yet another holiday battle ground for yet another year. They give prisoners time off for good behavior, why not us poor beleaguered holiday-haters? But no. Time, taxes and the holiday season wait for no man or woman. And like all unpleasant and unavoidable events—dental cleanings, mammograms, septic tank pumpings—I await the holidays with a mixture of dread and loathing. A couple years ago I wrote a column about the holidays—Christmas specifically—that included some uplifting thoughts about the holiday. Things about the holiday I actually enjoyed. I realize now in my older age that I was simply in denial when I wrote that article. Now I am only left with the truth. I hate the holidays. All of them. A lot.

So for those like-minded souls out there (and I know I’m not alone in this) I have written the following survival guide with you in mind. Several ways to avoid and/or lessen the blow of the holidays. In this article I will focus on Thanksgiving. For my December column, I will continue my survival guide, which will focus on avoiding Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa. So here’s how to survive the celebration I call “The Holiday That’s For The Birds.”

Survival Tip Number One: Faking your own death. Okay, so this is a bit drastic. But it will work. All you have to do is to leave this message on your answering machine: I’m sorry I’m not here to answer your call, but I have been unavoidably killed. Services will be held the week after Thanksgiving. Thank you for calling. Beep.

Your only slight problem may arise when you show up for work on Monday. Just tell ‘em that your answering machine isn’t working properly and it changed your outgoing message all on it’s own. People expect technology to screw up. Hint: never admit you did it. People forgive technology much faster than their relatives.

Survival Tip Number Two: Run away from home. This is easier than faking your own death. It is important when you run away that you don’t tell anyone where you went. Guilt knows no distances. Mom can make you feel bad from halfway around the globe.

Survival Tip Number Three: Serve a tofu “turkey” instead of the real bird. This is guaranteed to get you removed from the host list forever. Tofu is not turkey, no matter how you shape it or flavor it. It is soy bean curd. Period. Yet many of my vegetarian friends insist on sculpting the tofu to look like a bird. I don’t know why they don’t just use clay. Tastes about the same. Bonus: your family will never forgive you for serving tofu. Hint: don’t let anyone know you’re serving the tofu until it’s on the table. It’s an unwelcome surprise they will never forget nor forgive. Extra Bonus: you may get taken off the Thanksgiving invitee list for years to come.

Survival Tip Number Four: Serve drinks early and dinner late. After generations of research, our family has found the only way to make our holiday events tolerable is to add liberal amounts of alcohol. Because half of us are prompt and the other half are terminally late, one half of the family starts drinking before the late half arrives. Dinner is always held for the late half. Which means half of us don’t remember Thanksgiving and the other half considers the rest of the family alcoholics. I have no idea why we bother.

Survival Tip Number Five: Call in sick. This one only works if you are not playing host. Hint: the illness must be bad enough to keep you home, not bad enough to miss work three days later. Contagious diseases are good choices, that way no one will feel compelled to stop by and give you sympathy. Try the 24 hour stomach flu. No one wants to risk getting that. Just make sure to avoid bike riding or rollerskating near where the celebrations are being held. Remember, playing the sick card means you cannot be seen.

Survival Tip Number Six: Spread misinformation about where Thanksgiving will be held. If you’ve got a big family, this one is easy. Simply tell one third of the family that it will be held at one person’s house, tell the second third that it will be held at a different person’s house, do the same with the last third. Pick three people that are difficult to reach. Hopefully, by the time everyone figures it out, the confusion will be so massive that the entire holiday will end up being canceled.

Survival Tip Number Seven: Lie about prior Thanksgiving commitments. This one is easy. Simply tell your family that you already have plans for the holiday. Here’s some handy lies: you are serving meals to the homeless on Thanksgiving. Or you’re flying back east to have Thanksgiving with your spouse’s relatives. (Just make sure to hide the car and turn out the lights if you use this one.) Or you’re having Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. Hint: the friend must have a terminal illness or some such drastic condition. This way Mom and Dad won’t beat you with the Guilt Stick.

Survival Tip Number Eight: Convert to a religion that holds turkeys sacred. Everyone knows that cows are sacred to Hindus. If you live in California, you probably don’t even have to look far to find a fringe religion that celebrates turkeys. Just make sure to inform your relatives that your religion doesn’t even allow gatherings on Thanksgiving in deference to the number of turkeys slaughtered for the holiday. If you are forced to attend, wear black and carry a fake gravestone that says: Thanksgiving: The Holiday Of Death or One Million Died For Your Meal. Make sure to cry when the turkey is set on the table. Better yet, throw yourself on top of the turkey to avoid it’s being carved. You will not be invited back next year. Cool, huh?

I hope my helpful hints have saved you from a world of pain. If you find yourself chickening out and attending the Thanksgiving celebration, remember, there’s always time to get out of participating in Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa. Check out my December column for help on avoiding The Big One.

©2009, Janet Periat